Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host broadcasts from the Trump hush money trial.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listener nationwide. Is it a good morning? I’m live from the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse in New York City for the Trump hush money trial of the former president. Joining me is my late mother Maggie Duncan.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
Tell everyone you love me, Jerry.
JERRY
Okay, Mother. I love you.
MAGGIE
That’s so sweet.
JERRY
Like an irritating pimple on my ass.
MAGGIE
Thank you, honey.
JERRY
Witnesses are entering the courtroom. Let’s see if we can get their comments.
MAGGIE
There’s the Trumpster.
MAGGIE
(shouts) President Trump! President Trump! Maggie Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show.
DONALD TRUMP
The radical left is destroying our cities and colleges. Satan is on the loose. The trial is rigged.
MAGGIE
Polls say you’re trailing Biden. That’s not good news for you.
TRUMP
Poles can be wrong. For example, the Poles thought they were so smart when they installed screen doors on submarines to keep out the fish. Didn’t work out so well.
JERRY
Americans are worried you won’t accept the elections results in November. Is it true?
TRUMP
I will if I win. A mail-in ballot is voter fraud. Illegals, prisoners, dead people and hamsters are on the voter rolls.
JERRY
This is unfounded based on evidence. The peaceful transfer of power is the core of American democracy.
TRUMP
My friend Vladimir Putin said it doesn’t work. I even got a second opinion from Kim Jong-un. Why would they lie?
TRUMP
Gotta go. Need to catch up with my sleep in the courtroom. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.
JERRY
Look. It’s porn star Stormy Daniels.
STORMY DANIELS
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Are you nervous?
STORMY
Oh, yes. No legal representation for me. I used to have attorney Michael Avenatti, but he had to “pull out.”
MAGGIE
Avenatti’s a convicted felon. Stole your money.
STORMY
Yeah. He’s the real whore.
She blows a kiss.
MAGGIE
Another witness. They brought back former National Enquirer publisher David Pecker to testify.
MAGGIE
Jerry. Is he any relation to Woody Woodpecker?
JERRY
You don’t know anything about Pecker.
MAGGIE
I know your father had one.
JERRY
Here’s the king of the castle. The presiding judge Juan Merchan. Can you say a few words?
JUDGE JUAN MERCHAN
Sure. I’m not the one with a gag order.
JERRY
Always wondered. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
MERCHAN
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows me. Look. I run an orderly courtroom. No threats or intimidation allowed by the defendant.
JERRY
You referring to Trump?
MERCHAN
Is he the man with the orange face?
JERRY
You got it.
JERRY
Tell me. What’s the toughest decision you made as a judge?
MERCHAN
It happened last year. A man was on trial for cannibalism. I asked him what he had to say for himself. He replied, “If you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.” The case was dismissed.
JERRY
Thank you, Judge.
Merchan struts off.
MERCHAN
Here come the judge. Here come the judge.
JERRY
I’d like to thank my mother Maggie Duncan.
MAGGIE
One more time, say you love me.
JERRY
I…I…
MAGGIE
Say it already!
JERRY
I love you, because you’re strong and powerful. You don’t need my help to open jars.
MAGGIE
My son the comedian.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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