Kermit the Frog First Cousin Interviewed

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Melanie the Frog, Kermit the Frog’s first cousin.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome. I’ve been busy over the weekend lookin’ up my ancestry. Put some saliva on a stick and was gonna mail to Ancestry.com, then changed my mind cause the instructions said I needed to pay for a DNA kit. I couldn’t really afford it, so announced on Instagram I won the lottery. Amazin’ how soon I found out who all my relatives are. Never knew Ancestry.com is Alabama’s number one datin’ site.

Kermit the Frog with his cousin Melanie.

My guest today is Melanie the Frog. Kermit the Frog’s first cousin.

Hello Melanie. You’re an elderly celebrity of sorts by golly. How old are ya?

MELANIE THE FROG

A woman never tells her age.

TOMMY

Accordin’ to Googles, Kermit it 70. So that makes ya about…

MELANIE

I’ll give you a hint. I was born in a leap year.

TOMMY

2025?

MELANIE

Zombies eat brains, Tommy. You’re safe. I’m 75.

TOMMY

And ya haven’t croaked yet. Still got your mind.

MELANIE

For the most part. Sometimes I talk to myself. We both laugh and laugh.

TOMMY

You’ve lived in Slenderville since you retired from show biz.

MELANIE

Yep. Have a nice pond just yonder of here. Been there since my husband passed 10 years ago.

TOMMY

It ain’t fair that a cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

MELANIE

You’re a riot, Tommy. I’m going to call Kermit so he can get you on The Muppets tour.

TOMMY

Hell, no. I don’t want no puppet man puttin’ his hand up my rear.

TOMMY

But I understand you was on The Muppets.

MELANIE

Yep. Performed in lots of the skits. Also, a backup singer on Kermit and Miss Piggy’s hit song Rainbow Connection.

TOMMY

What is Miss Piggy like in real life?

MELANIE

She’s very nice and down to earth. However, there was one ugly incident.

TOMMY

Tell me. Ignorant minds need to know.

MELANIE

I shouldn’t repeat this in public, but Kermit kicked Miss Piggy out of his house early in her career when they were living together.

TOMMY

Don’t sound good. Why?

MELANIE

He said she wasn’t bringing home the bacon.

TOMMY

Not too kosher. Just sayin’.

TOMMY

Real curious. I never get political, but are you a Democrat or Republican?

MELANIE

I’m in the Green Party. We believe in climate change and saving trees. When I was on a lily pad yesterday, I overheard one tree say to another tree, “Are you a sap?” He said, “yes.” I love their honesty.

TOMMY

Melanie. Do you know what’s green and red and goes round and round?

MELANIE

No.

TOMMY

A frog in a blender.

MELANIE

I’ll get you for that! You better check your toilet every time you sit down to take a crap. If I don’t bite you, my snapping turtle friend Morty will.

TOMMY

Melanie the Frog. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.