Pizzeria Owner Interviewed: Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews pizzeria owner Luigi Montello.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

TOMMY ELLIS

Happy, happy. Won a free pizza at the car wash for an 18 incher from Luigi’s Pizzeria. 12 mouth waterin’ slices. And I don’t need a delivery, because Luigi Montello is here with my pizza. Save tip money. Welcome to the show my Italian friend.

LUIGI MONTELLO

(Italian accent) Thank a you, Tommy. It’s a pleasure to be here.

TOMMY

Your pizzeria has been in Slenderville for 25 years. People come from near and far to dine.

LUIGI

Yes. They love Luigi.

TOMMY

Maybe they think you’re one of them Mario Brothers.

LUIGI

Hey, a Tommy. Do you know why Mario couldn’t get a man cave?

TOMMY

No.

LUIGI

He didn’t have mushroom. Get it? She’s a joke.

TOMMY

Oh. I was thinkin’ mushroom on pizza.

LUIGI

(speaks Italian)

Sei stupido o qualcosa del genere?

TOMMY

Somethin’ sounded like ‘stupid’.

TOMMY

(speaks Pig Latin) Osay isskay ymay ssaay.

LUIGI

I heard a ‘ass’.

TOMMY

I reckon it’s nice we speak a second language. Tell me about your pizzas.

LUIGI

We have a thick crust. Chicago and Sicilian style served with a generous topping of pepperoni that looks a like bullet holes. In fact, the mafia visited me last month. They wanted a piece of the pie. Bada bing bada boom.

TOMMY

Before ya disappear in a landfill, tell the folks about your menu.

LUIGI

Sure. We a feature Pizza Margherita with tomatoes, sliced mozzarella, basil and extra virgin olive oil. There’s a Pizza Marinara with tomatoes, garlic, oregano, and extra virgin olive oil. Our house speciality is a Florence Pizza with tomatoes, onions, anchovies, and herbs.

TOMMY

Is that pizza named after the city of Florence in Italy?

LUIGI

No. She’s a named after my wife Florence who is shaped like a pizza. Tommy, I have a dozen different pastas. There’s a Bow Tie, Fettuccine, Angel Hair, Gnocchi…

TOMMY

Hold on. Ya forgot a vowel in Gnocchi. Gotta be a vowel between the G and n. We learned in school i before r except after m. Or was it an s? Maybe w?

LUIGI

You like a spaghetti and a meat balls?

TOMMY

Absolutely.

LUIGI

My meat a balls are beef baked with bread crumbs, minced garlic, onion, and scallions with a little chopped parsley sprinkled on top of spaghetti. A family size portion of my a meatballs are the size of an elephant’s nuts. Delizioso.

TOMMY

Speakin’ of nuts. Did you hear about Antonio Bochelli, the Italian chef in Duluth?

LUIGI

No. Why?

TOMMY

He pasta away.

LUIGI

Good. Three years ago on Halloween, he put a bag of dog poop in front of my pizzeria then lit it on fire. Thank goodness I was a wearing a pair of Gucci loafers that I bought at Goodwill. Stamped out the flames before the place a burned down.

TOMMY

Did ya confront him?

LUIGI

My a Sicilian instincts kicked in. I slit his tires. F Antonio!

TOMMY

Minnesota Godfather of Pizza Luigi Montello. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.