Which Now-Famous Singers Would’ve Survived Simon Cowell’s Acid Tongue?

Might Bob Dylan have withered under Simon Cowell’s steely gaze on American Idol?

Where would they be today if now famous pop artists had gone through the initiation process gauntlet that other contestants had gone through on the mega hit American Idol show? If they had to withstand Simon Cowell’s smarmy, dagger sharp verdicts many would have probably been mowed down like mushrooms to a lawn mower.

simon cowellLet’s take a trip back to the mid 2000’s and see how many of today’s artists would have fared had they been scrutinized by ‘Simon Says’ and what he would have said to them…

The Back Street Boys – “Guys, maybe your songs should remain in the back streets where you found them. Much like back street abortions.”

Rolling Stones – “You are not the only ones not experiencing any ‘Satisfaction’ at the moment.”

Avril Lavigne – “Sorry, dear, but you have to be this tall (indicates a height) to audition.”

Eminem – “Young man, the idea is to sing, not give dictation.”

Willie Nelson – “Try singing through your mouth instead of your nose. That is where your tongue is.”

Slipknot – “Sorry guys, Halloween was last month.”

Dolly Parton – “I’d ask you to take a deep breath before starting, but I’m afraid you’d burst something major in the chest area.”

Courtney Love – “OK, let’s try it again without the drugs.”

Johnny Cash – “Look fella, this dressing in black just doesn’t make it. You’re much too old to be going Goth.”

Brittany Spears – “It’s more about singing than swinging!”

The Who – “Your ‘Generation’ isn’t going to make it past the first level if you don’t straighten up and sing straight.”

Johnny Rotten – “Not only does your last name match your music, but your first name is where it should be flushed.”

Whitney Houston – “Guard! This woman is having some sort of withdrawal!”

Bob Dylan – “I’m sorry fella. Your songs sound like total gibberish. What exactly does the title ‘Rainy Day Women Number 12 and 35’ have to do with anything you just sang? If you don’t leave the stage now I will see to it that you do ‘get stoned’, although it won’t be the same way as in the song!”

Beyonce – “Here are some lyrics for you to consider: ‘You might be a cutie and have a nice booty but I feel it is my duty to give you the bootie.’”

Christina Aguillera – “You sing more with your hips than you do with your lips.”

Micheal Jackson – “OK, that Moonwalk bit was interesting, but I don’t think we can legally have a contestant who is actually from there.”

Brittany Spears (again) – “Miss, with your dancing around like you do you should consider calling yourself a new variation of a ‘jug band.’”

Then, there are some people who wouldn’t even be let in in the first place:

Guard – “I’m sorry Mr. Snoop Dogg and Ms. Lil’ Kim, we can’t let you onto the premises. We can’t be having you selling drugs to the other contestants or prostituting yourselves.”

Roger Freed