[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NRA: Kids Over 5 Should Pack Heat

NRA head says gun manufacturers, who already make a mini-rifle, should make a mini-mini-rifle for kids

In addition to suggesting American schools have armed officers on hand to shoot massacre-prone maniacs, NRA head Wayne LaPierre today suggested that teachers, school bus drivers, counselors, janitors and children over the age of 5 should be equipped with semi-automatic rifles.

nra kids guns
Girl with gun and flag, Seattle Municipal Archives, flickr.com.

“If even just one of those 6-year-olds in Connecticut had a rifle with him, this tragedy never would have happened,” said LaPierre, whose last name literally means “The Dick” in French.

When asked how a 5-year-old could handle a rifle, LaPierre said he would ask the gun manufacturers, who already make a mini-rifle, to make a mini-mini-rifle, which would be very small but still have a 30-magazine round.

“We want to make sure these little guys can whack the killer.”

In an earlier press conference, the NRA Head Dick talked about an online game called “Kindergarten Killers” in which game players try to kill virtual kindergarteners for fun.

“It’s been online for 10 years,” he said. “How come my research staff can find it, and all of yours couldn’t?”*

A reporter, suppressing a gag reflex, noted that the press rarely has research assistants.

“Why did you ask your research staff to look for a game that encourages people to pretend to kill small children?” she asked.

“Um,” LaPierre replied. “Well, we, ah, we ah, were looking for reasons … we were packing, I mean, getting a lot of heat, a lot of blame from the public about the recent massacre and we just wanted to show that other people, ah, might could be responsible.”

He said the game should be what it sounds like – a game that has virtual kindergarteners killing virtual killers.

“That would help a lot with training the kids to use the mini-mini-rifles,” LaPierre noted.

The NRA head also said teachers and other school personnel should have semi-automatic weapons.

“Suppose a school bus driver about to deliver some kids to school sees some nutcase with a gun headed toward the cafeteria?” LaPierre proposed. “The bus driver can blow that guy away, no problem.”

“What if the person he kills turns out to be a janitor?” asked another member of the press.

“That couldn’t happen under the NRA proposal,” LaPierre said. “See, all school personnel issued semi-automatics would be required to wear orange hunting outfits.”

Reporters also questioned whether giving guns to school counselors was a good idea.

“Don’t you think a student with an emotional problem might be hesitant to seek help if he or she knows the counselor has a rifle in the office?”

“Are you kidding?” the NRA Head Dick replied. “That’s the best part! If a troubled kid comes to a school counselor and sounds really crazy, the counselor can rip his guts up with the rifle. That’s called ripping, I mean, nipping problems in the bud!”

Teachers would also have a lot more control in the classroom, he added.

“Say some wise-ass 10-year-old puts gum on a teacher’s chair,” LaPierre said. “How much laughing is going to happen if that kid gets a toe blown off? Think more kids in that class will try any more pranks? I don’t think so.”

There was time for one final question.

“You’re not saying all this to increase the number of people required to own guns, thus giving a huge boost to gun manufacturers, are you?”

LaPierre glared at the reporter and pretended to load a gun and point it at him.

“Maybe reporters need to carry guns too,” he said. “You never know what might happen.”

*LaPierre actually said this.

Nancy Freiberg
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