Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/19/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:  barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.  So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ripping the Headlines TodayOakland Raiders, Dallas Cowboys brawl during practice

Word is Tony Romo threw a punch which was intercepted and run back for a touchdown.

News: Man mugged as he exits Starbucks

The real news is that he had any money left.

The President’s approval rating hit a new low

If it goes any lower they have a name for those people… Congressmen.

Kiefer Sutherland made Freddie Prinze Jr. want to quit acting

Now, if only we could get Kiefer to sing with Justin Bieber.

Bill Gates geeks out on the Ice Bucket Challenge

Ironically, like Windows, he froze three times before he got right.

Earthquake: 3.4-magnitude quake struck 5 miles southeast of Malibu

No movement was reported on Bruce Jenner’s face.

Governor Cuomo signs law lowering New York City speed limit to 25

In hopes someday traffic will allow someone to go that fast.

Ferguson Police Chief turns to Hannity to handle his PR

I guess Donald Sterling was still tied up in court.

Study: 63% of all human speech occurs under breath

98% if you’re working as a waiter or waitress.

Woman finds Nazi symbol etched in sandwich bun

She realized it when the bun overran her French fries.

A 50-year-old British man died after a vibrator became stuck in his rectum

Rectum?  Damn thing killed him.

Fans go ballistic on Twitter after discovering the Teen Choice Awards are rigged

Probably bad time to talk to them about Santa and the Easter Bunny.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
Paul Lander

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