>WASH., D.C. – Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, fed up with restraints on his office, declared himself King today in a prepared statement.
“Everyone knows it has been me, Dick Cheney, who has been running things around here since I was elected in 2000 with my sidekick, George W. Bush,” announced His Majesty. “With the recent hostile take over of the Congress by the Democrats, caused by an accidental under-vote of Republican bytes in voting machines last election, it has become more difficult for me to do my job. They are demanding all sorts of ridiculous things, like compliance with systems for protecting classified information and following a bunch of other laws. In the interest of national security, responsible government and sheer convenience, I’ve decided it is time to do away with the pretense, unveil the shadow government, and bring it out into the light where it belongs. I’ve been king for six years, let’s just get on with it.”
Reaction has been swift up on Capitol Hill, with Republican congressmen falling all over themselves to be first to kiss King Cheney’s ring, while Democrats have been more reserved, opting instead to simply bow as Cheney passed by.
“At least we don’t have to wonder any more,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “who is really running things. And naturally, impeachment is totally off the table now. However, we do want assurance that we can address our concerns to the King without fear of flogging or beheading – that much we feel we deserve.” Asked about this demand, Cheney said simply, “We’ll see about that,” adding, “Nancy should know I’ve still got my shotgun in the closet.”
Constitutional scholars weighed in on the matter as well. Professor Sidney Lookitup questioned the legality of the move, saying, “He’s not even president yet! How does he just leapfrog to King?” Other scholars reserved judgement, with one distinguished historian, eyes darting around nervously and insisting on anonymity, asking, “Has he claimed the power to execute anyone he wishes yet?”