Dick Cheney’s New Autobiography ‘Mein Kampf II” Hot Off the Press

Dick Cheney has finally completed his long awaited autobiography Mein Kampf II. Eager fans of fascism have been gnawing their own limbs off and those of Barnes And Noble staff waiting for it to come out.

In the new book Cheney describes in excruciating detail his steady rise to unlimited power along the well-worn trails of American power mongering. An excerpt from his early years is: “It took every bit of my creative talent and nerve to get out of the draft and not be sent over to Vietnam. It was sheer hell! No man should ever have to go through that. And I had to dodge it five times!” Despite this ordeal, Cheney proved his mettle by going on to become the Secretary Of Defense, the head of the U.S. military responsible for sending thousands of other Americans off to fight. But no price was too much to keep the oil flowing and thereby his moolah as well.

Surprisingly, Cheney goes into some of the sensuous aspects of his life: “I had him strapped down naked to a steel metal table. His screams for mercy aroused something deep and forbidden within me. A delicious surge of dark energy welled within as I brought the damp towel to his face and covered it, muffling out his hysterical pleas. I felt an ecstasy exotic as I held it down over him, choking the life out of him.” The entry goes on to more lurid details which cannot be written in this review.

Cheney also describes the difficulties of raising an only child in our modern world: “I beat that little bitch until she was blue and she still was only interested in chasing after other women’s doo hickey’s!”

On the hardships of learning the political craft: “Nixon was an expert at the underhanded move, the political side-swipe. Unfortunately he was a lousy teacher and I had to learn a lot of it on my own. Much of his lore will be lost forever due to that lack of talent.”

On the difficulties of holding office: “It is so demanding having to be Vice-President and a day-care attendant at the same time. I barely had enough time in a day to set up my Halliburton contracts. I lost a lot of my cut having to wet nurse Georgy W all the damn time.”

Cheney goes on to write about the teddy bear qualities that endeared him to the hearts and minds of so many. “I personally delivered the keys to the jet bombers we brought over covertly to Al-Babra for the coup to set up his country as one friendly to ours. I will never forget the tears of gratitude that stained his cheeks. Or the cool 30 million that we got from it.”

Lastly, he writes of his regrets about helping to start the Iraqi war that took so many lives on both sides: “Man, I only made 15 million from the whole scheme!”

Roger Freed