[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Palin Heals the Sick, Raises GOP from the Dead

Says she’s ready to bring peace & prosperity to world

WASILLA, AK – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who many Republicans hail as the second coming of the Virgin Mary, sans the virgin part, says she is “ready to lead America into the promised land” and usher in the “1,000 year era of peace and prosperity promised in the Bible,” as vice-president.

“The Lord has anointed me, and I humbly accept my new role,” she said in a rare press conference. Since the GOP convention in early August, Palin has been in near-isolation from the press, as she undergoes what her handlers termed “brainwashing – in the sense that she had an unclean brain. You know, she’s a pretty wild gal underneath.”

Empowered by her triumphant speech at the convention, Palin seemed inspired, saying, “This is a mission from God, and like the Blues Brothers, I will see it through to fruition, no matter what the evil Democrat party throws at me – tomatoes, beer bottles, it don’t matter – they can’t touch this.”

Senator John McCain stood at her side during the announcement, saying afterwards that he was “very proud” and ready to carry out his part of the “divine mission” by getting into the White House, “and after that, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, my friends.”

Palin did not answer questions after her prepared remarks, but did heal several cripples with her steely gaze, before being ushered off the stage by her staff. When McCain was asked why she won’t face reporters, he answered, “If you believe, all you need to know was in her statement. For the unbelievers, only time, and perhaps Armageddon, will convince them.”

Palin did touch on a wide range of issues in her statement, saying that her daughter’s pregnancy is “proof that abstinence-only education works – after all, she’s almost 18,” and that while some say she exercised “choice” in deciding to carry the baby, it was actually “the will of God, like the war.”

On education, Palin said “our libraries are wonderful storehouses of knowledge, and as vice-president, I will work to cleanse them of heretical books, insuring that our children will not have to waste time sorting out the truth.” She called books on evolution “the lies of the devil Darwin” and said the shelf space left by their removal would be filled with bibles under a McCain-Palin administration.

Palin touched on her “reign as governor” in Alaska, saying that “although it never seceded from the U.S. as we in the Alaska Independence Party had hoped,” she, like all Republicans, always put her country first. “And that country would have been named ‘Divine Alaska,’” she added.

She ended her statement forcefully, saying, “The looney left has had their opportunity these last two years in Congress – and look where it has gotten us. We’re tired of filibustering. Vetoing isn’t good enough. No more. It’s time for us to take back this country – we shall not be led astray, not if this beauty-pageant moose-hunting hockey mom has anything to say about it!”

James Israel
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