[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New, Improved Dispersant Released for Gulf and Beyond

Makers say new CorrectsIt® ‘will disperse all doubt’

New CorrectsIt 'disperses oil and doubt'

The Nalco Company, makers of the dispersant Corexit® that was used by BP in the Gulf of Mexico to disperse oil, announced today a rollout of a “vastly improved” version of the chemical that will “disperse all doubt in anyone’s mind about its effectiveness,” said Nalco CEO Erik Fyrwald.

According to the company, the new dispersant “almost magically disperses oil from the environment,” and it can even be applied over cities and towns to disperse doubts. “This exciting new formula will wipe away anxiety in a way similar to mood-altering remedies like Prozac or Zoloft, except it doesn’t need a prescription,” said an excited Sam Freebuzz, a spokesman for Nalco. “The FDA approved its widespread use, right after we sprayed a little on them.”

Skeptics were very vocal about its quick approval by the FDA, saying the chemical should go through normal channels like any other. University of Georgia scientist Richard Camilli, at a press conference on campus today, disputed Nalco’s claims, saying the dispersant “does not magically disappear the oil, it hides it, just like Corexit.”

He went on, as Nalco representatives entered the room through a back door, saying, “It is simply preposterous that this new formula could be so quickly approved for spraying over large populations… that’s just… wow, the air is SO fresh in here… what was I saying? Everything is fine, no worries!” The Nalco employees were then reportedly seen leaving, while tucking small spray bottles in their jackets.

Back at Nalco headquarters, Fyrwald said, “Being that everything is going digital these days, we are also introducing an online companion to CorrectsIt, which we call CorrectsIt 1.0.” According to Fyrwald, the software will crawl the internet and “correct” any “misinterpretations” of the new chemical “to avoid confusion in the minds of Americans.” It can also be applied to voting machine software, he noted, “to correct any unfortunate results caused by misinformed citizens, inadvertently electing the wrong people — misguided do-gooder candidates who might impede progress on these important issues.”

James Israel
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