[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Rich Lose Their ‘Poor People Cushion’

Having the less fortunate around helped separated rich folk from the harsh realities of daily life

Who will mow the lawn and trim the hedges now?

Tragedy has hit the upper levels of our society today, as the economic crisis has caused many of the rich to lose their “poor people cushion,” that group which previously protected the upper crust from having to experience the the more rudimentary aspects of life.

Many of the rich now have to polish their own silverware, trim their own gardens and do their own sewing — due to their staff having starved to death or not having the money or transportation to even get to work.

“Ever since our maid has had to live in her car that doesn’t run, our place has gotten so dirty!” stated Ima Bittcher, female heir to a paper clip dynasty. “How can we ever have parties with the place looking like this?”

“Our Latino gardeners have found it more lucrative to go back to Mexico and smuggle for the drug cartels than to be here and prune our hydrangeas,” sniffed Momma Warbucks, heir to a supplier of land mine parts. “How can I ever have guests over when the 50 acres we have look so, so … woodsy?”

Financiers have also felt squeezed, as many small investors — whose money they used to use to pad themselves  against big loses — no longer have access to the Internet or even to phones, due to being homeless.

“When the big drop of the ’90’s happened, I barely felt it because we passed all the trouble on to the little guys. Now they are all gone and I’m getting eaten alive!” complained Pen E. Savd. “How can I make any money when there aren’t any schmucks to fall back on?”

Wall Street analysts have come to recognize that the small investors are an important part of preserving the continued riches and well-being of their wealth and status.

“We now know through bitter experience that it is the small people, who have invested their meager savings and are unable to react quickly enough to market changes, by moving their money fast enough, who usually save us from taking severe economic blows,” stated Max Profits of the Berkshires Institute For Saving Our Financial Skins. “The small investor takes the hit and keeps us intact. You might call them the ‘cannon fodder’ of economic warfare.”

In some gated communities and wealthy neighborhoods, rich people are stockpiling and freezing dead poor people, who have died from starvation or exposure to the elements, in case the situation severely worsens and there is a food crisis.

Roger Freed