The president reveals innovative solutions for climate change and border security to a stunned press.
Sarah Sanders took the podium and announced that President Trump is brimming with new ideas and “innovative solutions.” She told the assembled reporters that he was about to preview new initiatives that he would be introducing in a presentation to the Country in the following weeks when the details are worked out by his advisers.
“First,” he said, “I thought about climate change and all the green gas stuff scientists keep nagging us about, especially carbon dioxide. They want to take all our cars away, but that shows you where they are all off. Don’t they know that cars give off carbon monoxide, not carbon dioxide. So much for their fake theories.”
“But,” he continued, “they may have something when they talk about cows, though it does seem a bit ridiculous to think that hurricanes and rising oceans are all caused by farting cows. Anyway, I have a simple solution. The federal government will now supply America’s farms and ranches with tons of antacids to add to the cows’ feed, breaking up those stinky little bubbles before they reach any opening. Hey, it works for me!”
“The cost of this new program will come from cuts in federal government support of free school lunch programs, which would cut down on emissions from those little stinkers as well.” The President paused and grinned, waiting for the audience to laugh.
When all he saw were a few jaws drop open, he quickly changed the subject. “Now I want to talk with you about a huge risk to U.S. Security that all other presidents have ignored, an invasion from the North. We must build a wall across our northern border with Canada to stem the invasion of legions of Big Foots. Or would that be ‘Big Feet’?
“Whatever, I’ve received hundreds of letters from my supporters in bordering states describing their encounters with these invaders. We know that the ones who have been spotted are just reconnaissance for a larger invasion. Because they are taller and even more apelike that those at our southern border, the fence will have to be higher and maybe electrified at the top to catch these hairy beasts on fire.
“I promise my supporters in Michigan, Iowa and uh, uh, all those cold states that they can sleep soundly knowing that I am the only president who has been willing to protect them from
this menace. I also pledge to meet with any Big Foot representative and win him over just as I have Kim Jong Un. Finally, I am willing to declare a national emergency, if necessary, to build the Northern Wall.”
As the president left the podium, Sarah Sanders passed out an album of photos of Big Foot sent by Trump supporters. She insisted that despite the resemblance, none were Republican senators.