The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 36-41

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The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!

Jerry Duncan Show play
Jerry Duncan Show logo.

Jerry moves over to the radio station.

Scene 12  Radio Station

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Jerry grabs the microphone.

JERRY

Good morning. We have a very special guest. Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. Is it a good day? We’ll soon find out.

Hillary Clinton is wearing a pantsuit and waving, as she dances to a rap song heading to the stage from the audience. She is accompanied by the intern.

INTERN

Come on darling. Keep going. That’s it.

She goes behind the screen. Jerry follows.

HILLARY

Hello Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

Welcome Madam Secretary.

HILLARY

Call me Hillary.

JERRY

Call me Jerry. Call me anything you want.

HILLARY

I might just take you up on that.

JERRY

Let’s see. You were the First Lady from 1992 to 2001. But not the only lady in the life of William Jefferson Clinton.

HILLARY

What are you saying?

JERRY

There was Paula, Jennifer, Monica. Your husband couldn’t keep his pants up. He was impeached for that. Remember?

HILLARY

Are you going to talk about the past, Jerky Duncan?

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Hey. Do you know why your husband crossed Pennsylvania Avenue without Secret Service?

HILLARY

No. Why?

JERRY

To get to the intern on the other side.

HILLARY

You know, Jerry. Life isn’t always black and white. It can be grey.

JERRY

Like the real color of your hair?

HILLARY

You’re a deplorable.

JERRY

If you say so, Miss Smarty Pantsuit. Let’s see. You were the U.S. Senator of New York from 2001 to ’09. Only taking time out to run for president against Barack Obama in ’08. How did you feel after you lost?

HILLARY

I was partying like it was 1999. How the hell do you think I felt?!

JERRY

But Obama made you his Secretary of State.

HILLARY

True. I bridged close friendships with our allies, curtailed Iran’s nuclear program and… Are you even listening to me? I should have gone on Howard Stern.

JERRY

Then came Benghazi. The U.S. Mission set on fire by terrorists on September 11, 2012. Our ambassador to Libya and three nationals killed.

HILLARY

Congress wouldn’t authorize funding to protect our embassies. You know, Jerry. I would have given Bill’s left nut to save them. It was awful.

JERRY

Losing those four people?

HILLARY

Yes. And the thought of Bill not having a left nut.

JERRY

You were a Republican before you became a Democrat.

HILLARY

I was a Goldwater girl back in 1964. Worked for awhile on Governor Nelson Rockefeller’s presidential campign in ’68. But then I found my true calling. Senator Eugene McCarthy, the anti-Vietnam War presidential candidate from Minnesota. Good-bye Rocky.

JERRY

After law school, you became so political that you worked on the impeachment hearings of President Richard Nixon.

HILLARY

He was a crook and liar just like Trump. Trying to obstruct justice by undermining our elections.

JERRY

James Comey. Ring a bell?

HILLARY

Ahhh. Creep, liar, 15 minutes of fame. If Too Tall Comey had not brought up my email server 10 days prior to the election, I, Hillary Rodham Clinton would be president today. I won the popular vote by almost three million.

JERRY

I believe he was concerned sleazy Congressman Anthony Weiner had access to your personal emails. And maybe a few government emails as well.

HILLARY

Only 3 of 30,000 emails were marked classified.  They were traffic tickets.

JERRY

But you don’t drive.

HILLARY

They were from college. Uh..high school. Whatever. Then there was the one email that solved the mystery at last of who it was that circumcised Jared Kushner.

JERRY

Crazy.

HILLARY

That was about it.

JERRY

Tell me this. What are the future plans for HRC?

HILLARY

I’m glad you asked, Jerry. I will be running for president in 2020.

JERRY

Oh, no. Spare us.

Hillary exits waving to the crowd.

JERRY

There she goes. Hillary Rodham Clinton. 15 minute intermission everyone.

END OF ACT I   INTERMISSION

ACT II

Scene 1  Jerry’s Apartment

JERRY

The slumlord sold this dump to the city. My cockroaches will be homeless and I don’t know how to break it to them.

Maggie enters.

MAGGIE

Did I hear right, Jerry?

JERRY

(jumps up) You just barge in here whenever you like.

MAGGIE

Why? I need an appointment? I’m your mother. You should be happy you’re leaving this place.

JERRY

What’s happiness?

MAGGIE

The day you were expelled from my uterus.

JERRY

Good. Real good.

MAGGIE

You remember Sven Johnson?

JERRY

The idiot that was always talking to himself?  He was never normal after his sled crashed into a moose.

MAGGIE

Yeah. Well. Sven has been a bus driver up here since he passed away 10 years ago.

JERRY

What about him?

MAGGIE

He lost his job today. Apparently, he gave up his seat to Helen Keller. It was frightening for the passengers. Keller had one hand on the road when she was pulled over by a cop.

JERRY

No wonder Sven’s family moved out of Alaska without telling him.

The intern enters.

INTERN

Sorry to interrupt. Nobody has seen Rudy Giuliani. He was supposed to be here.

JERRY

I got a text from Bellevue Mental Hospital. He was released an hour ago and on his way.

Intern’s cell phone rings. He picks up.

INTERN

Yo.

He listens then hangs up.

INTERN

(to Jerry) He’s here.

JERRY

Gotta run.

MAGGIE

I love you, Jerry. Well? Do you have something to tell me?

JERRY

Yeah. If you see The Three Stooges, get me their autographs.

JERRY

(imitates Curly) Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Dean Kaner
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