The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Abraham Lincoln

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, via heavenly hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Abraham Lincoln
Image: Alexander Gardner, Public Domain.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, from heaven my guest is the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Won’t you be my neighbor?

JERRY

That’s Mister Rogers, you idiot.

LINCOLN

Duncan. Four score and seven years ago your mother stripped at my bachelor party.

JERRY

Okay, wise guy. What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

LINCOLN

I don’t know.

JERRY

Broke!

JERRY

You were born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809.

LINCOLN

My family was so poor, the ducks used to throw bread at us. But I was determined to succeed. I became a lawyer. Argued 175 cases in the Illinois Supreme Court.

JERRY

Why did you quit?

LINCOLN

I wanted an easy job, so I ran for Congress. I was a Whig, then a Republican.

JERRY

Republican? If you were in that party today your nickname would be “Dishonest Abe.”

LINCOLN

Yes. I’m concerned that our obsession with Trump is distracting us from how terrifying the rest of the party is.

JERRY

The Republican Party. Same trailer. Different park.

LINCOLN

I was elected to Congress from Illinois. Married Mary Todd and had 3 kids. It wasn’t all roses. I was depressed, had smallpox and malaria.

The studio door slams shut. President Donald Trump enters.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

Abe. Did you say malaria?

TRUMP

I have the cure. I have the cure. It’s called hydroxyhloroquine. Only $37 for 100 pills at Walgreens. What do you got to lose?

JERRY

He’s dead, Orange Marmalade.

TRUMP

Fake news. Lincoln has a big room in the White House, a statue on the National Mall and makes a few bucks at Mount Rushmore. I’d say those are good investments.

JERRY

Lincoln is the greatest president in the history of the United States. He freed the slaves and ended the Civil War. You started one again.

TRUMP

C’mon. Some of my best friends are African American. Reverend Al Sharpton.

JERRY

Said you are “a White Nationalist.”

TRUMP

Reverend Jesse Jackson.

JERRY

Said you are “dangerous, divisive and diversionary.”

TRUMP

Comedian Chris Rock.

JERRY

Said you are “a bully and nobody knows how to handle you.”

TRUMP

Two out of three ain’t bad.

TRUMP

Hey. I have a question for Abe.

LINCOLN

Go ahead, Trumpster.

TRUMP

Did your old man go sideways when you chopped down the cherry tree?

LINCOLN

That was George Washington. Don’t you read books?

TRUMP

Well. Does Dr. Seuss count? Cat In The Hat, Horton Hatches The Egg. Educational. Educational.

JERRY

That’s beyond your comprehension.

TRUMP

Did you know John Wilkes Booth was one of the greatest stand-up comedians in history? I heard he really killed it at Ford’s Theatre.

LINCOLN

Yeah. I was really having a great time at the theatre until I asked Booth for a headshot.

JERRY

This interview is going south.

TRUMP

Those are my peeps.

LINCOLN

Trumpster. What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

TRUMP

Rush Limbaugh?

LINCOLN

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal in front of the cage along with a recipe.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Dean Kaner
Share
Share