[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Senate Republicans Introduce COVID-19 Cowbell Law

New “Cowbell Law” legislation will replace self-quarantine rules, say Senate Republicans.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R- Kentucky) announced today the introduction in the Senate of new cowbell law legislation to drastically alter social distancing guidelines by replacing self-quarantine rules with the requirement that all people thought to have contracted COVID-19 wear cowbells. “The Republican Party, like the president, wants to get America back to work as fast as possible,” he told reporters on the Capitol steps, “and we believe this novel Cowbell Law will make that possible much, much faster than quarantining.”

COVID-19 Cowbell Law
First person affected by the new COVID-19 Cowbell Law.

Asked how the new legislation would work, Senator McConnell explained, “Basically we stop requiring that people who have, or think they have, or know they have COVID-19 self-quarantine, and instead require them to wear cowbells outside their homes so others will know who they are and where they are they can be avoided and shunned. It’s really a very simple and effective plan, and it will allow everyone to get back to work much, much sooner and get the economy going again so we can all stop worrying about our stock portfolios.”

Asked by Humor Times if stock portfolios should take precedence over national health and safety, McConnell responded, “Well of course. It’s part of the president’s “Plan to Restart America.” The average American worker has lost millions and millions of dollars in the stock market over the last few weeks. That is simply unacceptable. Restaurant workers are laid off. Factory workers are laid off. Many don’t know if they will have a job to return to when this is over. They can’t afford to lose millions of dollars in the stock market on top of it. We have a plan to stop this death spiral, and I’m calling on Democrats in the Senate to vote to pass this measure immediately. They don’t even need to read it. It’s really that important.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-New York) issued the following statement in response to the Republican proposal: “The Democratic Caucus is looking at the language of this legislation very carefully. While we believe the idea has merits, we are not yet convinced that ostracizing Americans is the best answer, or indeed the only answer. We are also considering a possible rider to include much needed language about the mandatory use of sustainable cowbell materials, which we all know is another dire crisis confronting the planet. We believe America should take the lead on this issue as well.”

Responding to Senator Schumer’s statement, Senate Majority Whip John Thune (R-South Dakota) replied, “There is no need to go around saving the planet when our stock portfolios are in danger. I have spoken to members on both sides of the aisle and I believe we have wide bipartisan support for this bill. Our colleagues across the aisle have just as much at stake in the precipitous drop in stock values as anyone, and they know that we must get this economy going again, and fast, for the sake of our portfolios. I think we all agree that a minor offense to the self-esteem of a few people who, frankly, should never have been where the disease was to begin with, is a small price to pay for a healthy stock portfolio. This is not an offensive idea, the Majority Leader knows what it’s like to be shunned. Look at him.”

A telephone poll conducted by Humor Times produced the following responses:

Annalee M., Blairsville, OH: “It must be a good idea. Tractor Supply has been out of cowbells for years. I checked.”

Lavar T., Lubbock TX:  “Not good. We already make our 8 year old, Barker, wear a cowbell, and a helmet and a leash, too, so he don’t hurt himself or any body else. People will think he has them Cootie-19’s.”

Austin D., Belliam, VT: “So can we milk them?”

President Trump tweeted: “BIG BILL. HUGE! This is Leadership America Needs. I taught McConnell how to lead when I invented congress.  Good day for America. Bad day for a few fake sickies, but good for America! This will Keep America Great Again! KAGA! Ugly Chuck Schumer is an ANTI-AMERICAN FAKE MAN DEMOCRAT! Whah! Whah!”

David Suter