[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Biden to Run on Mediocrity

Joe Biden unveils new campaign slogan: “Return to Mediocrity” in bid to excite the Democratic base.

In the 1920 presidential election following the end of WWI, Warren G. Harding ran on the slogan “Return to Normalcy.”

Joe Biden mediocrity

“America’s present need,” Mr. Harding urged, “is not heroics, but healing; not nostrums, but normalcy… not the dramatic, but the dispassionate.”

2020 presumptive democratic presidential nominee and steadfast advocate of dispassion, Joe Biden, is following in Harding’s footsteps with a contemporary twist of his own, today unveiling his campaign slogan, “Return to Mediocrity.”

“I know I’m no hot shakes,” Mr. Biden said from his home in Wilmington, DE. “But mediocrity is so astronomically far above the current president that I really don’t see any reason to do any heavy lifting, like striving for excellence in this campaign. Let Trump be Trump and let me be me and this one’s in the bag.”

Most political strategists contacted by Humor Times agree.

“Do you own a television?” former presidential policy advisor Merle Love asked. “Just watch Trump. The Lunatic-in-Chief is beating himself to death with a podium and a cell phone and those incoherent late night Twitter rants and his Dr. Dumbass medical advice. Just setting the bar at mediocre puts this thing well out of Trump’s reach.”

Marcus Pressman, known in political circles as “The Touch of Electoral Death” for never having worked on a winning campaign in a career spanning more than 30 years, laughed. “Sounds like something I’d come up with, but this year it’s perfect. “

“It’s a mathematical fact that half the people in this country are below average,” he explained. “That is Trump’s base. The president is the foundation of that base. The foundation, of course, is at the very bottom, below the base. A rise to presidential mediocrity would be an absolute Godsend for this country.”

Americans responding to a Humor Times telephone poll largely agreed.

Jane D. from Lamar Heights, IN responded: “I’m all about mediocrity but I don’t have time to study for it. I’m studying to be a belly dancer. ”

Jimmy Ray H. from Argumence, GA replied: “I voted for the great President Donald Trump. Going for mediocre seems kind of uppity to me, but if it fits on a bumper sticker it must be good policy. That’s what I always say.”

Loretta T. from Big Hissy, TX said: “The last few years have been kind of intense for me. I think it’s time we exercise our constitutional right to sleep through an administration.”

The Trump campaign issued a written statement in response to a request for comment:

“The president has always supported an individual’s right to mediocrity, but he does not believe it is a prerequisite for higher office. Mr. Trump will not rise to this bait and adopt mediocrity as a personal aspiration. This is obviously a democratic ploy to make him seem snobbish and elitist.”

The president tweeted, “RESIST THE RISE TO MEDIOCRENESS. TRUMP 2020! MAKE AMERICA MINE AGAIN!!!”

David Suter

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