Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are Republican Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham.
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM
My feet are killing me.
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
I told you not to wear high heels for the interview, Graham Cracker.
JERRY
Don’t listen to the Turtle. It matches your handbag. Moving on. The Impeachment Trial in the Senate will begin soon. Neither one of you want to call witnesses or accept documents as testimony. It’s going to be a sham trial.
GRAHAM
I don’t need to call witnesses. I’m ready to vote. I have disdain for the accusations and the process.
MCCONNELL
I’m not an impartial juror.
JERRY
Trump withheld $400 million in aid to the Ukraine authorized by Congress. He wanted dirt on Vice President Joe Biden in return.
MCCONNELL
I have no clue why the aid was withheld, but I’m happy they got it. President Obama didn’t stand behind the Ukrainians. That’s the real crime.
GRAHAM
Yeah. He only provided medical supplies and night vision devices. What a joke. It’s like Christmas without presents.
JERRY
Speaking of which. I understand Christmas is your favorite holiday, Snaggletooth.
GRAHAM
How do you know?
JERRY
Because you can eat, drink and be Mary.
MCCONNELL
(giggles) That’s funny, Duncan. I haven’t laughed so hard since I stopped the Obama nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.
GRAHAM
And for good reason. Republicans didn’t trust Obama. Do you know the real reason Obama didn’t release his birth certificate?
JERRY
No.
GRAHAM
Because he smoked it in college.
JERRY
Quit dancing around the issue. Trump is guilty. He wanted a favor from the Ukrainians in return for military aid. They are in the Articles of Impeachment.
MCCONNELL
I haven’t seen them, because Speaker Pelosi is playing keep away from the Senate.
The door bursts open and Nancy Pelosi enters the studio.
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI
Yes. I’m keeping the Articles until you agree to have witnesses in the Senate Trial.
MCCONNELL
I can’t. Mick Mulvaney is in Ireland at a Leprechaun convention.
PELOSI
What about Lip Warmer John Bolton?
MCCONNELL
No. He’s shaving it for later.
PELOSI
Vice President Pence.
MCCONNELL
He’s giving Bible lessons to Pygmies in the Congo.
PELOSI
How about anyone?
MCCONNELL
Jeffrey Epstein.
PELOSI
He’s dead.
MCCONNELL
You blew it. I offered.
GRAHAM
The president got it right. No collusion, no obstruction. No quid pro quo.
JERRY
No balls. No brain. No morals.
GRAHAM
Are you talking about Trump?
JERRY
No. I’m talking about you. Your buddy Senator John McCain would be ashamed of your behavior.
PELOSI
Lindsey. You’re acting like a kook, because you always want to be the center of attention.
MCCONNELL
Should I tell them, Graham Cracker?
JERRY
Tell us what?
GRAHAM
(laughs) When I was 6 years old, I yukked it up with drunks for laughs at my dad’s bar. I would take drags of cigarettes still burning in ash trays and steal beers. The patrons nicknamed me “Stink Ball.”
PELOSI
You’ve evolved from “Stink Ball” to “Stink Butt.” Even dogs won’t sniff you.
JERRY
Hey, Pelosi. As long as you’re here, give the Turtle the Articles of Impeachment so we can have the Senate Trial.
MCCONNELL
Pretty please with a cherry on top?
PELOSI
Okay, Mitch. Bend over and pull down your briefs.
McConnell bends over. Pelosi shoves the Articles of Impeachment up his rear.
MCONNELL
Ouch!! Now I know how a Muppet feels.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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