The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 2 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
A silhouette of Rudy behind the screen.
RUDY GIULIANI
(shouts) They’re coming to take me away. Ha, ha. They’re coming to take me away. Donald Trump deserves a Nobel Prize, Barack Obama doesn’t love America, Michael Avenatti is a pimp, the Red Sox and my ex-wives suck.
The intern hands Jerry a microphone.
JERRY
We have a very special guest. Straight from Bellevue Mental Hospital, it’s America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Is he crazy or what?
INTERN
Yes, he is. Rudy’s so crazy that when he goes running, he takes the psychopath.
RUDY
(imitates Daffy Duck) “Suffering succatash.”
JERRY
Calm down, Rudster. I’ll be there in a minute.
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks.
JERRY
I’m pumped.
Jerry goes behind the screen.
JERRY
Hey man, you actually talk like a cartoon.
RUDY
Yeah. It’s not an imitation. I’m the new voice for Daffy Duck and Sylvester the Cat on Cartoon Network.
JERRY
Should I call you Daffy, Sylvester or just Looney Tunes?
RUDY
How about Rudy?
JERRY
Okay. But just for this interview.
JERRY
I understand you are an only child. That your old man served time in Sing Sing prison for assault and robbery.
RUDY
It was tough growing up. I dreamt that I was a monster destroying the prison to set my father free.
JERRY
Your dream came true. You, my man are a monster.
RUDY
Are you finished?
JERRY
No. Any tree you shake in the Trump investigation, a Russian falls out.
JERRY
This is interesting. You were thinking of becoming a priest after high school in 1961.
RUDY
A pretty little girl changed all that. Aye, Chihuahua!
JERRY
Rudster. Do you know why Santa is so jolly?
RUDY
Can’t say I do.
JERRY
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
RUDY
Oh boy. I think I’ll skip my meds and stir shit up a bit.
JERRY
You graduated from law school. As a registered Democrat, you volunteered on Bobby Kennedy’s presidential campaign in 1968. Even voted for Senator George McGovern when he ran for president in ’72.
RUDY
But while I worked in the Justice Department, I became a Republican. I’ll never forget what Ronald Reagan said. “Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”
JERRY
Oh. That hurts.
JERRY
You wanted to be the host of The Real Housewives of Section 8. That didn’t work out either.
JERRY
Then came your big break. Donald Trump ran for president in 2016.
RUDY
We go back a long way. I’m the only friend he can buy.
JERRY
You warmed up the crowds during Trump’s presidential campaign rallies. Sometimes you went off the rails by making fun of immigrants and minorities.
RUDY
(imitates Sylvester the Cat) “I’m safe in the knowledge that I’ll never get put in the nut house again, because my doctor says that I’ll be a bad influence on the rest of the patients.” The earth is flat, the South shall rise again, Chuck Grassley wears Depend.
JERRY
Oh man. I gotta get the Rudster in a straight jacket and back to Bellevue. See you tomorrow everyone.
A paramedic is seen hauling Rudy away from behind the screen. Jerry comes out from behind the screen. Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
You must be stressed.
JERRY
You have no idea. I’m so glad you’re here.
MAGGIE
Really?
JERRY
No. And you have nothing to do with my problem.
MAGGIE
I know.
JERRY
How do you know? That’s right. You can read my mind.
MAGGIE
You’re scared because you have a small penis.
JERRY
Yes, Dr. Ruth. My penis is so small that I can put it through a cheerio without breaking it. Did I inherit this little dong from dad?
MAGGIE
No. Actually it was from my father.
JERRY
Oh great. I have my mother’s father’s pecker.
MAGGIE
My mother said his penis was so small, she named it “munchkin.” Sometimes she called it “pinky.”
MAGGIE
Try those enlargement pills they advertise on TV. You’ll be twice the dick you are today.
JERRY
Thank you, mother. Now get out of here while I’m lucid.
MAGGIE
You’re so cute when you get upset.
JERRY
That’s because I’m always upset. Now excuse me. I have a call to make.
A silhouette of a girl is seen behind the screen. Jerry picks up his cell phone. It rings. Girl answers her phone.
GIRLS VOICE
Hello?
JERRY
Is this Susan?
GIRLS VOICE
Who is this?
JERRY
It’s Jerry.
GIRLS VOICE
I don’t know any Jerry. Jerry who? How did you get my number?
JERRY
I was in the mens room at the Main Street library.
GIRLS VOICE
What?!
JERRY
Hear me out. Your name and phone number was written on the stall. It said, “For a good time call Susan.”
GIRLS VOICE
(catches her breath) This is disgusting. I’m not going to listen.
JERRY
Please. I just want to know if you’d like to meet for coffee sometime?
GIRLS VOICE
How do I know you’re not a sociopath?
JERRY
You ever heard The Jerry Duncan Show?
GIRLS VOICE
(worried) No. Wait. Did you say your name is Jerry Duncan? Am I on the radio right now?!
MAGGIE
I think she likes you.
Jerry raises his voice to Maggie.
JERRY
I’m talking.
GIRLS VOICE
What’s going on?
JERRY
Sorry. It’s my mother. She’s annoying and won’t leave me alone. And she’s dead.
GIRLS VOICE
What? Dead?
JERRY
Yes.
GIRLS VOICE
You got my name on a disgusting bathroom wall. You call to torment me. And your mother’s dead, but she’s talking to you.
GIRLS VOICE
You know, Jerry. We don’t have anything in common.
JERRY
What do you mean?
GIRLS VOIVE
I’m pathetic, but you’re fuckin crazy.
Sound of the phone slamming followed by a dial tone.
MAGGIE
You have a date?
JERRY
No. Because my shrink told me I was crazy and now I believe it.
MAGGIE
It wasn’t meant to be. Her loss.
JERRY
I said to him that I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly, too.
MAGGIE
Jerry. You have a face only a mother could love.
JERRY
That’s my problem.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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