The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 55-61

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!

INTERN

Jerry Duncan Show logo.

Thirty minutes everyone. Everything okay, Mr. Duncan?

JERRY

Old man Kissinger is upset that he didn’t get a chocolate swirl. Like he needs it.

INTERN

That’s funny.

JERRY

Do you know what’s the difference between me and Henry Kissinger?

INTERN

Age?

JERRY

100 pounds. Who’s next?

INTERN

Senator Schumer is waiting in the green room.

JERRY

Get Schumer in the studio. I’m ready for the fight.

INTERN

Yes, sir.

Jerry throws some fake punches. The intern hands him a microphone.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Schumer’s silhouette is visible behind the screen.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?

INTERN

Yes, it is. Let’s hear it from the listeners.

JERRY

Today on the show is Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. A real scrapper from Brooklyn.

SCHUMER

Thank you, Jerry. I brought my Yankee cap to show I’m a human being and not a robot. So should I say it’s good to be here?

JERRY

No. Because you’ll feel like crap when you leave.

SCHUMER

Well. That’s why I came. I’m cool, calm and collective. And you’re a loud mouth jerk.

JERRY

(perturbed) Hold on there, Dr. Freud. You can’t analyze me. You agreed to do the show knowing my mental state.

SCHUMER

I like publicity. What can I say? Does anybody even listen to this show?

JERRY

Senator Mitch McConnell was here a few months ago. He mentioned that you offered him a pond to live in after retirement in upstate New York.

SCHUMER

(giggles) That’s true.

JERRY

What’s so funny?

SCHUMER

He better hope that Trump doesn’t “drain that swamp.”

JERRY

Chuckie cracked a funny. I get it…swamp, turtle. Who wrote that one, your pothead cousin Amy Schumer?

SCHUMER

I don’t talk about her.

JERRY

You like to talk. In fact, you can’t keep your mouth shut. All those boring speeches day after day.

(mimics) Everybody loves me. I’m so great. I got a perfect 1600 on my SAT.

SCHUMER

I don’t get your point, Jerry. Everybody should love me. You’re so annoying.

JERRY

Former Senator Bob Dole once said, “The most dangerous place in Washington is between Charles Schumer and a television camera.”

SCHUMER

Listen. Bob Dole? You gotta consider the source. He’s been a walking dead man for twenty years. He’s the first dead person to run for president of the United States. Besides, he rose to power as the hatchet man for Richard Nixon. If Dole were in power today, he’d be kissing Trump’s ass.

Jerry is fake snoring.

JERRY

Oh. Are we back?

SCHUMER

This is a stunt Congress would pull. You’re childish.

JERRY

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but you are one big bowel movement.

SCHUMER

I’m dealing with a crazy man. If anyone is listening to the show, come help me from this nonsense.

JERRY

Let’s see. Graduated from Harvard law school, but never practiced law. Why?

SCHUMER

Because I wanted to be famous and powerful. I rose to power during the Clinton impeachment hearings. Was a consensus builder on health care and immigration in the House back in 1981. You weren’t even born in ’81. Or just a tickle in your dad’s balls. Did I tell you that I was in the Gang of Eight?

JERRY

You’re a riot. You were in a gang. So was Snoop Dogg. Why can’t Americans get along? Tell me.

SCHUMER

Have you been paying attention to what’s been going on the past three years in this country? People can’t agree if the sun is coming up. Can you and I even talk about anything?

JERRY

Yes. We’re both New York Yankee fans. Go Bronx bombers!

SCHUMER

America can be great and get along. Something as simple as baseball brings people together in the spirit of friendship and harmony. Jerry, you surprise me. You inspired me. Please allow me a short speech.

JERRY

Oh, God. Don’t talk.

SCHUMER

What’s wrong, Jerry? You are hopeless.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. What’s coming up in the Senate?

SCHUMER

Do you know what’s coming up in the Senate? Come here. I’m gonna tell you a secret of how your government works. Do you know what is going on in the Senate? Bupkis. Nothing! The Democrats pass a bill. The Republicans pass their version. It dies on Mitch McConnell’s desk. Then it’s time for a recess.

JERRY

Like you guys actually work. I’m paying for that time off you know.

SCHUMER

I’ll be thinking of you when I’m on the beach drinking a Shirley Temple. Everything paid for by taxpayers.

JERRY

I hope a shark rips of your swim trunks.

SCHUMER

I thought you were going to say a certain part of my body.

JERRY

That, too.

SCHUMER

You know, Jerry. You’re really angy. Did your mother ever breast feed you?

JERRY

I was adopted. All I heard is that my real mother was from the Ozarks. Didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground.

SCHUMER

I rest my case.

JERRY

I don’t want to call it a day, but all good things must come to an end. Do you feel like crap, Senator?

SCHUMER

Yes, I do. I should have gone on a real show like Ellen.

JERRY

Mission accomplished. Good-bye everyone.

Jerry moves over to his apartment and sits on the couch.

Scene 4 Jerry’s Apartment

JERRY

Finally, I can relax from those idiots.

INTERN

Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

Now what?

INTERN

It bothers me that Senator Schumer made you look like shit.

JERRY

(grumpy) What do you mean? You’re fired!

The intern drinks from his water bottle then reacts by spitting water in Jerry’s face.

INTERN

I’m so sorry. I deserved it.

Maggie enters the apartment. She has a stern look on her face. Jerry sees her and gets the message.

JERRY

All is forgiven. You’re rehired.

INTERN

I love show business.

The intern exits.

MAGGIE

That was mean, Jerry.

JERRY

What? Nothing happened. I’m tired.

MAGGIE

I know, but I have some exciting news. I lost 20 pounds.

JERRY

Oh, great. Now you can use your bracelet as a hula hoop.

MAGGIE

(disappointed) I thought you’d be happy for me. Instead I’m insulted. My mistake is thinking that you love me as much as I love you. I won’t bother you anymore, Jerry. Good bye.

JERRY

See ya. Thanks.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.