[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Revealed: Common English Profanities Deeply Rooted in Slobovian Mythology

Professor reveals true origin of many common profanities used in English speaking countries.

A part of the continuing "Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)" series.

Recently on a special aired on SPBS (Slobovian Public Broadcasting Snobu), Dr. Ghitchy Ghoomie of the University of Stanckh at Squatte revealed that many of the most common profanities used in English speaking countries are actually of Slobovian origin.

Ancient Slobovian tribes gathered for “Bhullscetta” festivals, where many modern profanities were first introduced, say scholars.

The commonly used term “Shit” derived in early Slobovian mythology. It comes from “Schitte,” the name of the first born son of the great God, King Feces. As most of the world knows, the major religion in Slobovia is Defecationism, based on the belief that man came from the ass of King Feces. When the Slobovian language was being formed, “Schitte” became a catchall phrase: ”Where’s my Schitte,” etc.

It was believed to have been brought to England explorer Parko Molo.

The popular term “crap” originated in the eighth Slobovian Century when Solbbo-Roman emperor Grabbus Crappus began issuing his own currency, commonly called “crappe.” His wife Fugacious ran the largest gambling parlor in Slobovia and paid the winners in Crappe.

A major problem arose between Fugacious and Princess Bitchasse of a warlike tribe called The Heffahs. When Bitchasse won an enormous amount of money, she refused to be paid in crappe. “I ain’t taking any more crappe,“ she screamed… then she murdered Fugacious and Grabbus Crappus and burned the gambling hall to the ground.

The next day newspaper headlines read, “How About All of that Crappe?”

Another common phrase, “Bullshit,” dates to ancient Slobovia when Queen Bhullschetta of the Irks Tribe would gather all the story tellers, liars, con men and loudmouths together for week-long “Bhullscetta” festivals. The uneducated members of the tribe boiled the phrase down to “Let’s have some more Bullshit.“

Ted Holland