The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Talk Show Host Ellen DeGeneres

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is comedian and talk show host Ellen Not Generous.

Ellen DeGeneres DonkeyHotey
Ellen DeGeneres caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

ELLEN

It’s pronounced DeGeneres.

JERRY

Big deal. I missed a few letters.

ELLEN

I’m proud to be Not Generous. I mean DeGenerous. Now you got me confused, you idiot.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. You’re 62 years old. You have the most successful TV talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show now in its 17th year. You’re the host of Game of Games, you do standup comedy and have awards up the rear. What’s left?

ELLEN

Being stranded on Fantasy Island with Natalie Portman.

JERRY

Let’s flip a coin. Heads I win Natalie. Tails you lose and end up with Caitlyn Jenner.

ELLEN

You’re no fun, Duncan.

JERRY

Looks like you have a major image problem.

ELLEN

Because I dress like a Ken doll?

JERRY

No. Your Ellen staff said you are a monster. An employee on Twitter called you one of the meanest people alive. You’ve been compared to a cannibal.

ELLEN

Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown? One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

JERRY

Even weirder. A cannibal passed his brother in the woods. But here’s something that bothers most people. You furloughed staffers without pay because of the coronavirus. One staffer could lose his home. Another can’t feed his family.

ELLEN

Screw em. I need the frickin money to keep up my $43 million dollar mansion. I’m going nuts being holed up during the coronavirus. Do you know what I do to pass the time? I tell jokes to ants on the sidewalk. I dunk for apples in a wash tub. The only good news is Bellevue Mental Hospital assured me they have room if I go postal.

JERRY

You complained to a restaurant that a server had chipped nail polish.

ELLEN

That’s because I’m OCD. The other day I told my wife Portia to close the door 10 times on her way out. I yelled at the postman, because he was instructed to ring the doorbell 47 times. I counted 40. Now I can’t sleep. I keep trying to ring the doorbell  7 more times in my head. I trashed all my Swiffer Dusters, because my hair does a better job of dusting the furniture.

JERRY

Thank goodness you have Portia.

ELLEN

Yeah. Well, it comes at a price. She’s from Australia, so we own a bunch of kangaroos. They are so lazy, I call them pouch potatoes.

JERRY

Ellen cracked a funny, folks. Keep it up and you could lose your career.

ELLEN

Seriously, Duncan. Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses?

JERRY

No.

ELLEN

It’s because they have very strong legs, and the fact houses can’t jump.

JERRY

Quit pulling my chain. This is supposed to be a serious interview.

ELLEN

Really?

JERRY

Bahaha. Bahaha.

ELLEN

Let’s dance. I’m cranking up the boombox.

The 50 Cent rap song In Da Club starts playing.

JERRY

But I have two left feet.

Music is loud.

ELLEN

(yells) It’s like making a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it.

The 50 Cent song plays as Ellen and Jerry Dance.

Go, go, go, go, go, go

Go Shorty, it’s your birthday.

We gon’party like its your birthday

And we gon’sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday

And you know we don’t give a F, it’s not your birthday.

JERRY

(grooving) Keepin it real.

ELLEN

Do you want to hang out at my mansion?

The music gets louder. Jerry can barely hear.

JERRY

No. I’m not Charles Manson.

ELLEN

Okay. Just remember to ring the doorbell 47 times.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show

(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean Kaner

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