The Official White House Coronavirus Test

If you are hoping to be tested for COVID-19, it is first necessary to take and pass the following simple written quiz.

Coronavirus Test“If somebody wants to be tested right now, they’ll be able to be tested.” — President Donald Trump, May 11, 2020

Some in the media have criticized Donald Trump for repeatedly claiming that anyone who wants a Coronavirus test can get one. But he’s actually right — except that the test the President is referring to is not quite the same one that they’re thinking of — as evidenced by the following:


If you are looking for a Coronavirus test to find out whether or not you have the disease, it is first necessary to take and pass the following simple written test. The White House is providing you with a test sheet, two No. 2 pencils and a free “I survived the 2020 pandemic” coffee mug.

When the invigilator fires his or her replica .44 Magnum starting pistol, exam takers will turn over their test sheets and answer the following questions:

1. The novel corona virus originated in
a) a wet market in Wuhan, China
b) a virus lab in Wuhan, China
c) Barack Obama’s Deep State
d) an unknown location
(Score one point for a), two points for b) and three points for c).)

2. President Trump said which of the following:
a) Mission Accomplished.
b) I am a stable genius.
c) We have met the moment and we have prevailed.
d) I’m really sorry for screwing up the pandemic.
(Three points for c), two points for b) and one point for a) although that was actually George W. Bush. Minus five points, by the way, for d).)

3. When did President Trump first learn of the novel corona virus?
a) He knew about the virus right from the start even before the virus itself knew.
b) Nobody knew there would be a pandemic.
c) I knew it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic.
d) Way after Barack Obama knew about it and did absolutely nothing.
(Forget the inconsistencies between these answers and give yourself two points for any one.)

4. Which of the following COVID-19 cures are attributable to Donald Trump?
a) Hydroxychloroquine
b) Injecting disinfectant
c) Ingesting sunlight
d) There is no known treatment or cure as of yet.
(Give yourself two points for any or all of a), b) or c). If you chose d), shame on you and deduct three points.)

5. As for the pandemic, President Trump:
a) Is doing a fantastic job.
b) Is transitioning to greatness.
c) Is keeping America great.
d) Has blood on his hands.
(You get two points for a), b) or c) and an automatic failure for d).)

6. When it comes to the pandemic, thanks to President Trump:
a) We killed fewer people than some thought.
b) We’re number one! We’re number one!
c) We have conducted more tests than any other country.
d) Not on a per capita basis.
(Give yourself one point for a), two for b) and three for c). Deduct two points for the fake news answer d).)

If you’ve made it this far, add up your points. If you scored fewer than fifteen, nice try, but unfortunately you don’t qualify for an actual coronavirus test. If, however, you got fifteen or more points and have attached a check for $1,000 made out to the CREEP (the Committee to Reelect the President), bend over, open your mouth and say “ahh.”

David Martin
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