[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President Demands Supplication in Exchange for Relief Checks

“Look, I just want some appreciation. Just appreciation. That’s all,” said Trump, announcing his National Presidential Supplication directive.

In a North Korea-style press conference Monday, President Trump announced plans to require that all Americans attend upon him in the nation’s capital and bow in supplication before receiving their CARES relief checks. He also announced a new requisite that all Americans must hereafter refer to him as the “Most Glorious Leader.”

SupplicationAfter showing a five minute propaganda video that amounted to a political hagiography of the last two months in the life of Saint Donald, the self-appointed dictator explained the supplication requirement: “Look, I just want some appreciation. Just appreciation. That’s all. I don’t get appreciation. I don’t get it from the governors. I certainly don’t get it from the press, from you. You’re just fake news. You don’t show me appreciation. If the American people won’t show me appreciation voluntarily, I’ll force them to. I have the power to get appreciation out of them one way or another. It’s simple. Just show me some appreciation.”

Asked about his authority to require obeisance, especially in return for critical relief that for many Americans might mean the difference between life and death, Mr. Trump answered, “I’m the president, and when you use that word from now on in connection with me I’m right now making a new law that you spell it with a capital P. Always with a capital P. I’m the president with a capital P. I have absolute authority. I can do anything I want.”

Pressed for details about the actual constitutional authority for such a requirement, the president pointed to his head. “The constitution is right here, that’s where I get it, right here,” he commanded. “My common sense. I say what is the constitution and I say I have the authority because I’m the president and the Most Glorious Leader and I say what the constitution is. What I say goes. When you’re the president, what you say goes. I have absolute life and death authority over everyone.”

Responding to questions about the requirement to call him “Most Glorious Leader,” he replied, “Look. I’m your leader, right? Of course I am. I’m your leader. And I’m glorious. I’ve always been glorious. So I’m your glorious leader. I’m your most glorious leader because Kim Jong Un is the glorious leader and I’m the most glorious leader because I’m better than him. He agrees with this. He called me to tell me that. It’s just like calling me Mr. President. You have to do that, right? Everybody has to call me that. So now I’m just changing my name. Now I’m the Most Glorious Leader. Say it. Say that I’m the Most Glorious Leader. Say it!”

Asked if the proposal might not cost millions of lives given that many people don’t have the ability to come to Washington to perform the required adjuration, he made a mocking face and said in a whining voice, “Oh whah whah. People die every day. People die crossing the street. People are going to die. Maybe we lose a few not very productive people who don’t appreciate me anyway. This happens. Just appreciate me, that’s all. Just come here and  appreciate me to my face, at my feet, and you can have your precious little check. If you die you would die anyway and it will save me the money not giving you a check.”

When it was suggested that it is in fact the American people’s money, not his, the president snapped, “It’s mine! It’s mine! I’m the president and the Most Glorious Leader! Everything is mine! I control everything and I say what you get! Say it! I say what you get! Say it!”

A Humor Times opinion poll of 1,312 people cannot be reported here. Not a single response is printable due to editorial restrictions on offensive language.

David Suter