The Proud Boys’ Letter to President Trump

Disappointed Proud Boys address their Dear Leader, who they say let them down.

Jeesh, Mr. President. What the hell happened? Needless to say, we’re big supporters but don’t you think maybe you’ve blown it this time?

Proud Boys letter. Photo by Brett Davis,
Photo by Brett Davis,

There’s less than two weeks left before the Inauguration and this is all you could come up with? We really wish you had given us a call and let us help you consider some different options.

Yes, we were thrilled when you addressed us during the first Presidential debate by saying “Stand down and stand by.” We were honored to be your go-to-gang, so to speak.

But I think you’ll agree this latest thing on Capitol Hill was a real clusterfuck. After all, we on the alt-right take pride in our can-do attitude and our organizational skills. And yet there you were urging a huge unruly crowd of your supporters to march down Pennsylvania Avenue towards the Capitol Building.

You even said you were going to join them but then you reneged. So they didn’t have the benefit of your wise guidance and were simply left to stew on your inciteful language.

It doesn’t take much to see where that was headed. Thousands of angry MAGA-hatted protestors ending up on the steps of the Capitol? What could go wrong there?

Really, Mr. President, you don’t send a bunch of kids to do a man’s job. We took you at your word; we did stand down and we were patiently standing by. But you never called.

That was a disgraceful spectacle, a real amateur hour of sedition if you will. To be honest, we found it embarrassing.

You’ve got losers breaking windows and disturbing office furniture. Big deal. It’s enough to make one laugh if not cry.

That was a motley crew at best and nothing to be proud of. We, on the other hand, have a lot of pride, albeit of the white variety. And we may be neo-fascists but we’re at least disciplined neo-fascists.

Frankly, it was shameful to watch. There was no cohesion, no leadership and no consistent alt-right racist messaging. Basically, it was nothing more than mob rule.

Plus, there was no serious attempt at a standard uniform. People were dressed in all manner of frumpy hoodies and jeans. There’s a reason we wear Fred Perry polo shirts. It gives us a sense of self-worth and a real team spirit.

And where were the firearms? This is America, right? Land of the free and home of the Second Amendment? All you had to do was call and we could have provided a well-armed militia in no time.

If you need any references, just talk to our buds at the Michigan Liberty Militia who breached the Michigan Capitol last year. That’s how you run an insurrection.

Time’s a wasting, Mr. President. If you’re looking for some real coup-loving Americans to help keep you in the White House, give us a call.

— Proud Boys

David Martin
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