Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump says he’s taking hydroxychloroquine

Frankly, if I’m going to get medical advice from a gameshow host, I’d get it from Steve Harvey. At least, Steve’d survey 100 real doctors to find the best advice!

Khloé Kardashian covered Kourtney’s house in toilet paper

On the upside, it doubled the home’s property value.

California Gov Gavin Newsome said baseball could resume with no fans in the stands

… just like all Dodger games after the 7th inning.

Chris Pratt deleted over 51,000 emails

Guess who’s auditioning to play Hillary Clinton in the HBO movie about 2016 election?

Lori Loughlin gets three months in jail

Although she can get it reduced with someone else’s good behavior!

Scientists believe cannabis could help prevent and treat coronavirus

Or, just make you forget you had it in the first place.

3 Russian doctors fall from hospital windows

Damn, Russian doctors keep falling out of windows. You can not underestimate the gravity of this situation.

Happy 75th Birthday, Pete Townshend

Or, as his band is now known ‘The Huh?’

Trump says US will beat out Russia and China with ‘super- duper missile’

Because as we all know, the only way to stop a bad super-duper missile is with a good super-duper soaker gun.

A White House adviser said people protesting stay at home orders are the new Rosa Parks

He also compared the people who booked their trips to Harriet Tubman.

How to wear a protective mask correctly

Well, if you’re not covering your mouth and nose with a mask, then you’re just wearing a bib!

The White house has hired two college seniors to fill top posts in recent weeks

Hmmmm, passing the Tiki-Torch to a new generation.

Channing Tatum seen taking out the trash in gold lamé

In fairness, you always have to be ready for a spontaneous season of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ breaking out around you!

Contrary to Fox’s ‘reopen the country’ rhetoric, Fox News offices will remain closed until mid-June

… While their minds will continue to remain closed even afterwards, as usual …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)