[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

True Story of David and Goliath Revealed in Archeological Find

Long-lost secrets about David and Goliath recently uncovered inside an ancient tomb.

World famous tomb raider and ethnocraparcheologist Lord Sebastian Bhutt-Ughleh has uncovered the long-lost tomb of Nebucanezzor the Great — not the king of Babylon, but the legendary Hittite pro wrestler. Previously unknown secrets about David and Goliath lay hidden inside.

David and Goliath
The famous PWF David and Goliath match. (The Phillistine Swat Squad is in the background.)

According to documents unearthed in the tomb, the confrontation between David and Goliath was part of an event promoted by the Phillistine Wrestling Federation (PWF). The headline match was Nebucanezzor the Great vs. King Saul in a Deuteronomy Death Match. The referee was Pontious Pilate’s grandfather Pontious Bruce. The event was held at Valley of Elah Arena on July 4,604 BC.

Other matches included The Masked Babylonians, Tigris and Euphrates against the Gladiators, Articus and Sparticus. Also, The Israelite Women’s Tag Team champs Oprah and Ruth against the Queen of Sheba and Cleopatra.

The now famous match featured Lil David and Samson against crowd favorites Goliath and The Masked Hittite #1. The match was to have ended with David pulling the slingshot from his tights, but before he could it, the Masked Hittite was to jump into the ring and save Goliath… but something went awry. The Hittite got distracted by the Queen of Sheba and chased her back to the dressing room, leaving goliath to his doom. Reportedly, the crowd rioted and the Phillistine Swat Squad had to rescue David and spirit him out of the arena.

The commonly rehashed “Biblical” tale can be traced to PWF public Relations man, Elijah the Rock.

It is thought that Elijah The Rock is responsible for the tale Joshua Fit The Battle of Jericho and the walls came tumblin’ down. It was actually a stage collapse at a Cab Calloway concert.

SNN has tried to reach descendants of the participants, but have had no luck. It is widely believed that the descendant of Elijah the Rock’s currently works for the WWE.

This article is part of the “Dispatches from SNN” (Slobovian News Network) series.

Ted Holland