[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Costco Membership Level: Shop Sans Lowly Peasants

The new ‘Royal Supreme’ membership will allow only the best of the best customers to shop without annoying disruptions from lowly peasants and little people.

no lowly peasantsCostco CEO Craig Jelinek announced a new membership level on CNBC’s popular morning show Squawk Box today. To the delight of many current Costco customers, the new Royal Supreme membership level will allow a peasant-less shopping experience as part of the $130 annual membership fee.

“Not to be confused with pants-less shopping which takes place every Saturday evening after 10 PM,” CNBC host Joe Kernen noted.

Jelinek told CNBC hosts the decision is no-brainer. “When our customers ask, they shall receive. And our customers have been asking for this due to recent events that have created long lines of shoppers waiting for the doors to open.

Marisa Colbert, a retired community college instructor from South Palm Beach, Florida, was the first customer to receive the new Royal Supreme membership card. “Actually, this membership level allows you to have two cards, whereas the other lowly peasants level only allows one membership card. And now I don’t have to stand in line with those losers who can only afford the $120 Executive Membership. While those bottom feeders are scurrying around in their American made cars looking for their cheap table wine, I will already be home sipping on my 2015 Kirkland Barolo.”

Costco is planning to roll out a new high-level membership level next year, and subsequent years, in an effort to stay ahead of inflation.

Dave Richards