[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Francis Ford Coppola Recuts ‘Apocalypse Now’ Yet Again

‘Apocalypse Now: The Absolutely Last and Final Cut Ever, No Really, I Promise’ opens in select theaters on Friday.

Francis Ford Coppola is at it again. Considered to be one of the best filmmakers of all time, Coppola is taking a victory lap around Hollywood with his beloved masterpiece Apocalypse Now. Apparently, Coppola is still upset about being snubbed at the 1980 Academy Awards for Best Picture and Best Director.

Apocalypse Now“Kramer vs. Kramer, really? The Academy picked that pile of debris over the best film of all time? Has anyone even heard of Kramer vs. Kramer? I haven’t, I had to google the 1980 winners to find out which film supposedly beat the best film of all time. Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep are overrated!!!” Coppola told reporters during a break from running laps around the Academy headquarters in Beverly Hills while pumping his 1980 Golden Globe award for Best Director in the air.

“Who wants to watch another story about a tiresome whiny family when you can watch snarly men with machine guns, napalm, and flamethrowers? People want action! I know we won some conciliatory Oscar for Best Sound or Best Janitor or some crap like that, but really, how hard is it to hold a boom mic or a mop?”

Apocalypse Now: The Absolutely Last and Final Cut Ever, No Really, I Promise opens in select theaters nationwide on Friday. “I’ll show those little twerps at the Academy what a real film is!” Coppola added.

Dave Richards