Secret Memo Unearthed to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex!

Duke and Duchess of Sussex
Crowds converging on Windsor to celebrate the Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Photo by King’s Church International on Unsplash.

Humor Times exclusive! PR firm to Duke and Duchess of Sussex Harry & Meghan on their recent separation from the Royal Family.

TO:         The Duke and Duchess of Sussex
FROM:   William “Bill” Ofgoods
Smoke and Mirrors Public Relations Inc.

Hi Harry and Megs,

Just a note to say congrats on the big move away from the Royal Family to a new private life. Great decision and I think we can help with the transition.

I don’t mean to be an alarmist but I think you should be aware of historical parallels that could be problematic. I’m referring, of course, to your great-great-uncle the Duke of Windsor.

Your unilateral declaration of semi-independence may have been a bit rushed. Sure, it’s nice to be financially independent but do you really want to give up your Royal allowance? Even the Duke of Windsor negotiated a sweet deal before riding off into the sunset.

We’ve prepared a P.R. plan to shore up relations with your grandmother, the Queen. Let’s just say that you don’t want to piss off Her Majesty so an olive branch or two might be in order.

Now I know you’ve expressed a preference for a Commonwealth country but I hope you’re not wedded to that choice. After all, who is more infatuated with the Royals than the American public? And, if you want to take maximum advantage of your celebrity, America’s the place for you, particularly L.A. No need to decide right away but do give it some thought. How does America’s First Royal Family sound? Not bad, eh?

Now, as far as your goal of becoming financially independent, we’ve been brainstorming like crazy. Let’s face it; America loves royalty, especially if one of you is actually American.

Thus, we’re looking at a whole range of potential royal endorsements. No old-fashioned stuffy warrants like Royal Doulton china or Burberry coats. We want to capitalize on your modern royal vibe and patronize everything from electronics to pharmaceuticals. The Harry & Meghan iPhone? Why not? Or even a Royal OK for Zoloft or Viagra.

For long term growth, we recommend getting into the franchising field. America already has its royal fast food restaurants like Burger King and Dairy Queen. Let’s take the next logical step and start your own new chain called Pizza Prince. Imagine the TV ads with you and Meghan giving four big royal thumbs up to the weekly Crown specials.

Speaking of TV, have you considered your own talk show? That’s where American royalty like Oprah and Ellen make their millions.

We see you two hosting your own daytime show complete with royal lifestyle hints and suggestions and hopefully a lineup of guests from the Royal Family itself including Prince Andrew, Princess Anne and Sarah Ferguson. We’ve got folks already working on the format, content and title of the show. Right now, I’m leaning heavily towards “Tea Time with Harry and Meghan” although, in this age of single name celebrities, “Meghan & Harry” might work, too.

First things first, of course. Without that royal stipend you’re going to need some seed funding to get started in your new financially independent life. We’ve taken the step of starting a GoFundMe page for you with the modest goal of five million dollars to help you folks out. I’m pleased to report that we’ve already reached a total of $355, including a generous gift of one hundred pounds from an Elizabeth Windsor.

If our proposals interest you, feel free to call or email any time. I’d love to get started helping you transition to your new life including a tour of a Walmart, a middle class real estate seminar and how to live on a six-figure income.

David Martin
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