[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Businessman Trump: Putin Paying $1 Billion to Bomb Ukraine

“If our military is good enough for Saudi Arabia, it’s good enough for Russia,” the President said. “After all, a billion bucks to bomb Ukraine is a billion bucks, minus my Finder’s Fee, of course.”

WASHINGTON DC — Donald Trump announced today that Russian president Vladimir Putin has paid the United States over 60 billion rubles, or one billion dollars American, to bomb Ukraine. Most of the money, he noted, will go towards building his “great wall” between the US and Mexico.

Trump and Putin bomb Ukraine“Listen, a gig’s a gig,” Trump explained to a gaggle of reporters on the White House lawn, “and 60 billion rubles is 60 billion rubles, even at current exchange rates! We have the finest military in the world, thanks to our taxpayers, and at the moment, most of it is just lying there useless and idle, apart from in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, northern Africa, western Europe, south-east Asia and Venezuela. Oops, scratch that last one, I never said that. Fake news!”

The President stressed that most of Russia’s money will go towards building America’s wall on its southern border, “now that the Democrats and Mexico have welched on their agreements to pay for it. Lock them all up!”

Trump revealed that he was approached by Putin soon after announcing that the US had hired out its “unused troops and tanks” to Saudi Arabia for “our standard going fee, a billion dollars plus tax.”

He went on: “It’s a disgrace that we still have thousands of military spares, including tough guys, bombs and planes, that are not killing people or blowing things up. Frankly, they’re just costing us money so why not hire them out to the highest bidder? That’s one of the ways you run a country like a business, believe me.”

Responding to a question, the President said that Putin’s payment was “currently in a bank in the Caymans or maybe Panama,” which he refused to name because of “national security concerns.” He noted that he himself would “of course” be deducting a “modest but perfectly normal, ethical and appropriate finder’s fee,” though he declined to say how much because of “executive privilege.”

As he boarded Marine One Trump shouted: “But tell Zelensky that if he suddenly finds something on Biden or maybe Sanders I’ll call off the bombing. Some things are more important than money, you know!”

Michael Egan