[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

U.S. Constitution to Receive State Funeral 4 July, Chief Justice Roberts Presiding

“Sadly, it’s about time,” says Chief Justice Roberts, who will deliver the eulogy. “The thing’s been basically dead for years.”

WASHINGTON DC — The US Constitution, finally pronounced dead after a long illness, will lie in state at the Capitol this 4 July for mourners and celebrants alike. Yellowed with age, almost illegible and curling at the edges, it will be cremated and forgotten almost immediately afterwards.

Chief Justice Roberts to deliver eulogy
Cartoon by Michael Egan.

“The poor thing’s become so irrelevant, that’s the problem,” said Chief Justice Roberts in an interview. “As you know, it rambles on and on about freedoms and rights that are frankly just relics from the past. No one pays any attention to them any longer.”

Justice Roberts went on: “If there was a Place for Mom for doddery old constitutions we’d put it there. The British are also wondering what to do with theirs, on its last legs and frankly not even written.

“Let’s be honest, these old fellas are just a danger to themselves and others. Young folks read them and start getting ideas, so they need to be quickly and humanely put down, like old pets. Sentimentalists like Bernie Sanders and that AOC girl want to keep them alive, but really what’s the point? Here on the court most of us just ignore old We The People and do what we want anyway.”

Roberts gestured toward the Constitution’s little wood coffin sitting on his desk. “Luckily,” he said, “ours has died a natural death, but then it would, wouldn’t it, being probed and cut about by the likes of Clarence, Neill, Brett, and Amy.

“Except the Second Amendment, of course,” he quickly added. “We’re keeping that part alive under a special provision.”

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