[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sanders Campaign: Candidate Was Not Actually Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders actually refused to run again in 2020, reveals Sanders campaign manager.

In a stunning development just days after Bernie Sanders suspended his campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination, senior Sanders campaign officials announced yesterday that the candidate they ran as Bernie Sanders was not, in fact, Bernie Sanders at all.

Sanders campaign
Not actually Bernie Sanders, reveals Sanders campaign.

“Any old guy with white hair can look like Bernie Sanders if he messes up his hair and spits when he talks,” Campaign Manager Faeez Dahkhar told an audience of more than ten via webcast. “When Senator Sanders refused to run again in 2020, we couldn’t just let The Movement die. If a Movement can just die it isn’t a Movement. It’s just like an urge or something, but not a Movement.”

“The Movement” refers to efforts by Sanders’ supporters to move the Democratic Party to the ideological left, perhaps far enough to push California into the ocean.

One avid supporter taking part in the webcast explained, “You can’t just stop a movement from moving once it starts to move. Once we got it moving we couldn’t just stop moving it just because we didn’t have a candidate to move it. We’re going to move The Movement all the way and if you’re in the way you’re just going to get moved by The Movement, probably right off the edge. That’s what a Movement is, and we’re tired of the establishment not acknowledging that. We demand to be an acknowledged Movement.”

Sanders Senior Advisor John Deaver justified running the Senator from Vermont in name only without Sanders’ actual participation as a campaign tactic not uncommon in American politics. “Thomas Dewey quit the race months before the ‘44 election,” he explained. “It was purely momentum that carried him to the point that the Chicago Tribune thought he had won even a day after Truman beat him. Goldwater never ran at all. Lyndon Johnson’s campaign put different glasses on him and changed his hair and ran him as Goldwater just to have somebody to destroy in the election. Michael Dukakis was a puppet built by a Hollywood special effects company for the Bush campaign.”

“When Senator Sanders refused to run again,” he continued, “we hired Chevy Chase to be him for the first few months, just to get things rolling. Then when the crowds got so nuts that they didn’t even pay attention to Chevy-Bernie anymore we just started grabbing white haired guys off the street and rubbing their hair with a balloon and putting them on stage. It saved us a fortune. Some of our Bernies were more Bernie than Bernie. Best of all we could deliver whatever message we wanted. Half of the stuff we did Bernie would never have agreed to, but without him involved we could pander shamelessly to our base and manipulate their anger as much as we wanted.”

Political Director Anamanna Majama added, “Once Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dropped out of the race and endorsed us it just got way too easy. The crowds were so busy chanting and shouting and being furious about everything that nobody even noticed when we changed out our Bernie three or four or five times in one speech. It was just crazy.”

Asked by Humor Times for comment, Trump campaign manager Bill Pascal responded, “We already knew that. We own the CIA, remember? We know everything. Senator Sanders hasn’t left his office for two and a half years. He’s sleeping on the couch and living on Hot Pockets and YooHoo just like his groupies. What you don’t know and I won’t confirm is that President Trump is actually a giant Muppet Dick Cheney made because he knew he couldn’t get elected himself. Don’t print that.”

David Suter