The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 47th Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in  your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the 47th Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden.

Joe Biden DonkeyHotey
Joe Biden. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JOE BIDEN

Do I have permission to kiss your head?

JERRY

No, Pope Joseph. Stay in your space.

BIDEN

(repeatedly clearing his throat)

I have something stuck in my throat.

JERRY

Probably a hair plug.

BIDEN

C’mon. I learned my lesson, Duncan. Even my brain is giving me the silent treatment.

JERRY

Are you running for president in 2020?

BIDEN

I’m the best candidate. 8 years experience as Vice President, member of the Senate for 36 years, and a hot wife.

JERRY

How hot Veep?

BIDEN

When I hug her, I have to wear oven mitts.

JERRY

There’s a 10 year age difference between you and Jill. You’re 76 years old. What I’m trying to say…

BIDEN

I know what you’re thinking, but I’m old fashion when it comes to sex. For example, I believe having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Steak and sex, Duncan. I get them both very rare.

JERRY

You first ran for president in 1987, but lost the Democratic nomination to Michael Dukakis. Then decided in 2016 not to run against Hillary Clinton. What makes you think you can get the nomination this time?

BIDEN

Bernie Sanders is a socialist in search of the perfect corned beef sandwich, Elizabeth Warren is looking for her lost tribe, and Mayor Pete Buttigieg is trying to figure out a way for people to pronounce his last name. America knows what it’s getting with Joe Biden.

JERRY

Yeah. Someone who was a waiter at The Last Supper.

BIDEN

Look. I want more funding for public education, a tax cut for the middle class and an increase on taxes for the wealthy, our return as a signatory to the Paris Climate Agreement, and the strengthening of our relationship with Allies all but abandoned by the Trump Administration.

JERRY

Trump is saying just the opposite.

BIDEN

Trump is stupid. When the weatherman said it was chilly outside, he grabbed a bowl. Go figure.

A loud noise is heard, followed by a door slam. President Obama enters the studio.

OBAMA

Que Pasa.

BIDEN

Hey Barack. Big Jerry thinks I’m too old to be president.

OBAMA

Don’t let age get you down, Joe. It’s too hard to get back up.

JERRY

Why are you here, Prez?

OBAMA

I’m endorsing Joe Biden for president.

BIDEN

(excited) Can I kiss your head?

OBAMA

No, Crazy Joe. I don’t want those meat hangers near me.

JERRY

How can you get this man elected? Just sayin.

OBAMA

Joe is America’s favorite uncle. Everybody loves him. He was a great vice president and friend. The two of us are so close that when we’re sitting next to each other in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore.

BIDEN

I have a new slogan in these tough times. “Spare change you can believe in!”

JERRY

Fine and dandy, but how are you going to solve our immigration problem?

BIDEN

That’s easy. By deporting Senator Ted Cruz.

JERRY

Wouldn’t you be worried about losing some of the Latino vote?

BIDEN

Latins for Republicans? It’s like Mike Pence having sex with Stormy Daniels. I like my odds.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

OBAMA

Who’s there?

JERRY

Tank!

OBAMA

Tank who?

JERRY

You’re welcome.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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