[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Due to Overcrowding, Hell Opens Frigid New Division

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network): In new division of Hell, souls will freeze for eternity.

According to world renowned Glaciologist/Theologian Dr. Freezyn Mahassoff of the University of Staanckt, due to a recent spike in condemned souls and it’s resulting overcrowding, the devil has been forced to create and open a new division of hell.

new division of Hell
In new division of Hell, it won’t be fire, but ice this time. Image by Osman Rana on Unsplash.

The new division will be known as Bhuurzywhuurzy. Instead of fire, it will be made of ice, and instead of burning for eternity, souls will freeze for eternity.

Bhuurzywhuurzy is named after legendary Slobo/Roman Emperor Bhuurzy Whuurzus, who is remembered for creating The Roman Cable Network in 65 AD. RCN is best remembered for shows like Monday Night Gladiator Wars, The Tuesday Night Orgy, Fiddling with Nero and Kiss My Asp with Cleopatra. RCN was destroyed when the Slobogoths invaded.

As a lawyer, Bhuurzywhuurus’ clients included Julius Caesar, Hannibal’s Elephants, Pontius Pilate, The Nail Driving Five and Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.

Newly arriving souls will be given the option of Hell or Bhuurzywhuurzy. Dr. Mahassoff also unveiled several other items about the current state of Hell:

  • Eternity has been extended… the short term Eternity program did not work.
  • Purgatory is permanently closed… it’s now straight to Hell.
  • The Devil’s Shopping Network is permanently out of asbestos drawers and ice water.
  • The Hell On Credit program is cancelled… Hell is now cash only.

Dr. Mahassoff also stated that the Devil has indicated that he is planning another new division of Hell to be called Walhell. In Walhell, the condemned will be forced to push grocery carts up and down flaming aisles for eternity.

Ted Holland