[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Texas Governor: Arm Schoolchildren from Kindergarten on Up

“The only way to deal with a mad teenager brandishing an AR-15,” says Gov. Greg Abbott, “is another mad teenager brandishing an AR-15.”

HOUSTON, TX — Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a self-confessed Republican, said today that the answer to “lone-wolf” gun attacks on schools was for the entire  student body to arm schoolchildren. Abbott says they should be “armed to the teeth and ready to fire back just as soon as the mental-issues person is identified.”

arm schoolchildren
Texas Governor Greg Abbott, shortly after expressing the desire to arm schoolchildren with AR-15s.

“Giving guns to janitors and teachers just isn’t enough,” Abbott explained at a press gaggle soon after he shamefacedly cancelled his appearance at the NRA conference in Houston.

“First off,” he said, outlining his new initiative, “a lot of those old teacher fogies don’t know their dum-dums from their bum-bums, if you get what I mean.

“And then second off, let’s face it, our kids are quicker, slicker and more familiar with guns big and small, being Texans and all. They gonna pop in and out of them shadows, hunt that shooter down in those corridors and locker rows they know so well.

“Plus, my proposal includes firing-range classes every morning after the Pledge, and afternoon drill practice for the white Christians, on a strictly voluntary basis, of course.”

As the news folk gasped, Abbott sneered. “I’m not so crazy after all, am I?”

The sedentary governor noted that in addition to his administration adopting the slogan “Jesus, Guns, Babies” from Georgia, he would be imposing a “Patriot’s Tax” on families with school-going kids to pay for their guns and ammo.

“Fuck, the state’s not gonna pay for it, specially as we’re gonna let ’em keep those rifles and go on to join the Klan like most of us, or maybe just follow a career in gerrymandering and vote suppression, like a normal Texas politician. If they wanna be just part-time, they can join their local Kyle Rittenhouse Street Brigade and shoot up liberal street demos on the weekend.

“They should keep January 6, 2025 open though.”

Abbott added that  that he hoped the anticipated “several hundred thousand new AR-15s” which Texas plans to purchase annually, “will finally put us ahead of California as the gun-lovingest state in this whole goddamn gun-lovingest country!”

Michael Egan