Bezos’ company is now providing van drivers with at-cost water bottles, encouraging them to “piss away for extra pay!” and selling their pee as new Covid cure.
SEATTLE — Amazon spokeswoman Anna Conda announced today that the company’s most popular new line is “freshly bottled delivery drivers’ urine,” sold as a new Covid cure for the Omicron variant. Called the Peezos Urine Cure, the micturate comes in two shades/aromas, I Gotta Go Right Now! Beige, and Whew, Thank You Jesus! Yellow.
“Everyone knows Amazon delivery guys pee in their used water bottles to save time,” Ms Conda admitted. “For a while we pretended to ban that, but then the Q demographic started drinking human pee as a Covid cure, and Mr Bezos saw another business opportunity. You could say we’re minding our P’s and Q’s, with the pees flying off the shelves and the queues getting longer every day!”
Ms Conda went on: “No joke, some drivers are turning in eight, nine bottles a day, filled to the brim with fresh pee and sealed with their original caps. No questions asked, all we have to do is label them “Not FDA Approved” and the red hats beat the doors down.”
Ms Conda agreed that selling bottled urine at $7.99 a pint looked like profiteering, but, “what’s it worth cocking a snook at Tony Fauci, eh? Besides, Prime members get our new Full Bladder Em-Urgency Service — a drop-off drone at their door within two hours of payment verification.”
Asked whether any lab tests showed that drivers’ urine actually cures Covid, Ms Conda replied that anything able to make Jeff Bezos look sexy must be miraculous.