The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews His Mother, Maggie Duncan

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his mother, since he can’t get anyone else, due to the coronavirus shut-in.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my mother Maggie Duncan. You heard me right.

coronavirus shutdown mom interviewMAGGIE

I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.

JERRY

I have a show to do. Should I kill myself now or after this conversation?

MAGGIE

It’s up to you. I won’t say a word.

JERRY

The reason my mother is here is because of the coronavirus shut-in. There’s no plane service to Alaska. Thank you Donald Trump for calling the coronavirus a Democratic hoax. That everything is under control. And you needed to cut the staff of the CDC, because your wall was more important. Since you’re a braggadocious jerk, why not call it the Trump coronavirus?

MAGGIE

You’re so smart. I’m getting goose bumps. But on the other hand, you live in this dungy, old apartment. There are cockroaches running across the floor and on the walls. Go to Target and buy some roach traps.

JERRY

I can’t. Those are my pets.

MAGGIE

May I say something about you?

JERRY

No.

MAGGIE

It’s not bad. Really.

JERRY

Go ahead.

MAGGIE

When Jerry was in high school, his grades were so bad that the teachers told me if they dropped below an F, they would have to go into the Dr. Seuss alphabet.

JERRY

Fortunately for me, I was the valedictorian of Wasilla High with a D average. I broke Sarah Palin‘s record.

MAGGIE

I never laughed so hard in my life at graduation. I hate to bring this up and it’s no big deal.

JERRY

If it’s no big deal, then why bring it up?

MAGGIE

Because it bothers me. I see a small spaghetti stain on your shirt.

JERRY

Do you have telescopic vision?

MAGGIE

Don’t make fun of me. I’m your mother. I just want you to look nice. And sit up straight or you’re going to have osteoporosis like cousin Elmer.

JERRY

Yes, mother.

MAGGIE

Do you remember the joke we told about Elmer?

JERRY

Which one? There were so many.

MAGGIE

Elmer’s so hunchback, he has to look up to tie his shoes.

JERRY

I thought you were going to say Elmer is so hunchback, he keeps money in his ankle pocket.

MAGGIE

I forgot about that one.

MAGGIE

For years my friends bragged about their sons being a doctor, lawyer and accountant.

JERRY

Those nerds.

MAGGIE

Yeah. The doctor went to prison for prescribing illegal drugs. The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion. Does it get any better?

JERRY AND MAGGIE

Baha, baha. Boohoo, boohoo.

MAGGIE

You’re the most successful of the bunch. Your mother loves you. Always remember that, son. Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with.

JERRY

Not this again.

MAGGIE

Mrs. Anderson has a niece that’s single. Never been married. Very pretty face.

JERRY

Translation. Chubby and desperate.

MAGGIE

Like you’re an Adonis. Hey, I joined an exercise class. Mrs. Mandel had been giving me her fabulous chopped liver. I gained fifteen pounds.

JERRY

That’s bad.

MAGGIE

Had no idea chopped liver was fattening.

JERRY

I thought you knew everything.

MAGGIE

Your father said I shouldn’t worry about gaining a few pounds. Fat people are harder to kidnap.

JERRY

Have you heard about the seafood diet?

MAGGIE

No.

JERRY

You see food and eat it.

MAGGIE

Always with a smart remark.

JERRY

That’s how I make a living.

MAGGIE

I know. My son the insult comedian.

JERRY

Time to climb the wall. The coronavirus shut-in and you are driving me nuts. See you tomorrow.

Dean Kaner

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