Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews His Royal Highness Prince Charles of Wales.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning, listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll see. Today on the show my guest is His Royal Highness Prince Charles of Wales.
JERRY
Good morning, Your Rear Hind Endness.
PRINCE CHARLES
Just call me Charles.
JERRY
Okay. Got a question, Charlie. How come your mother dresses you in kilts like a five-year-old? Do you have a clue why it’s called a kilt?
CHARLES
No.
JERRY
Because that’s what a British mob did to the last guy wearing them.
CHARLES
Okay. I’m switching to Tommy Bahama shorts. I don’t care what my mum says. She’s not my boss.
JERRY
Of course, she is. Queen Elizabeth is leader of the Commonwealth. I know you’ve been waiting 62 years to be promoted from a prince.
CHARLES
Yeah. I hope my parents admit they’re too old to run the family business. Then I’ll be King!
JERRY
And Godzilla will be Queen.
CHARLES
You mean Camilla, the Duchess of Cornball. I mean Cornwall. Now you got me confused.
JERRY
No, Godzilla. The monster you cheated with when you were married to Princess Diana.
CHARLES
C’mon, Duncan. Her name is Camilla.
JERRY
And she is Cruella. The Queen had a bet with her staff that if you two had kids, they would be uglier than Regan in The Exorcist.
CHARLES
I’m shocked. When I tell Camilla, it will make her head spin.
JERRY
Here’s another tool I found in the toolbox. It is rumored you hired the professional farter Mr. Methane to entertain guests at the Buckingham Palace holiday party. He ripped one to the tune of God Save The Queen. And the Queen’s crown shattered.
CHARLES
I won’t confirm nor deny the story.
JERRY
I give Methane a pass. Nobody listens to me until I fart.
CHARLES
Can we talk about another subject?
JERRY
Absolutely. Meghan and Harry.
CHARLES
Do I know them?
JERRY
Your daughter-in-law and son.
CHARLES
Ah. That Meghan and Harry.
JERRY
Meghan confessed to Oprah Winfrey on national television that you refused to take Harry’s calls. And some royals in Buckingham Palace were concerned about the color of their baby’s skin before he was born.
CHARLES
Not true. I called Harry to give him the good news that we balanced the budget by $100 million after cutting him off financially. As far as Meghan’s remark about some royals being prejudice against people of color, I am not. In fact, I invited Black artists to sing for an audience with the Queen.
JERRY
Like who?
CHARLES
Michael Jackson. He was my favorite pop star. I can only summarize his tragic death by saying Michael was born a poor Black man and died a rich White woman.
JERRY
Deep. Real deep.
CHARLES
You really mean it?
JERRY
Of course not. You’re an idiot. What is your relationship like with son William?
CHARLES
He’s a good lad.
JERRY
Well, I dug up a poem William wrote about you when he was in high school. Would you like to hear it?
CHARLES
Absolutely. You jolly man.
JERRY
(reads) There once was a prince from Buckingham Palace,
Who left his wife for a woman in Dallas,
Said he with a grin as he stroked his long chin,
The press said I’m a bad parent and callous.
CHARLES
That’s what William wrote?
JERRY
Fooled you. I did! These are the lyrics for a new song by BTS. You stuffy clown.
CHARLES
You are rude and disrespectful, Duncan.
JERRY
Not really. Since the Oprah interview, even Cookie Monster deleted you as a Facebook friend. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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