The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Queen Elizabeth and Donald Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Queen Elizabeth of England and U.S. President Donald Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Her majesty Queen Elizabeth of England, President Donald Trump and First Lady, actually third lady Melania Trump.

Queen ElizabethQUEEN ELIZABETH

This show is beneath my dignity as a royal.

JERRY

Is this your biggest problem in life, Queenie? After 6 years my girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair.

QUEEN

That’s awful.

JERRY

Guess who came crawling back?

MELANIA TRUMP

You bully like husband, Duncan.

DONALD TRUMP

I’m not a bully.

JERRY

Oh yeah, Trumpster? You called London Mayor Sadiq Khan a “stone cold loser.” You said the Queen’s granddaughter Meghan, Duchess of Sussex was “nasty” and criticized daughter-in-law Camilla, Duchess of Cornwell for believing in climate change.

TRUMP

But I complimented Princess Diana. I said I’d date her in 10 seconds after she got divorced in 1993. Diana was so hot that she was banned from National parks for being the leading cause of wildfires.

QUEEN

After two days, I found the Trumps warm and charming like an elephant’s testicle.

TRUMP

C’mon. The Queen married her 2nd cousin Prince Philip. We know what happens when cousins mate.

MELANIA

Qveen. You my favorite rock group. Vhat instrument you play?

JERRY

Same country. Wrong Queen. Freddie died of Mercury poisoning.

TRUMP

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

JERRY

Your majesty. You are 93 years old and your husband Prince Philip is 97.

QUEEN

You know you’re old when the oxygen mask drops from the ceiling after you blow out your birthday candles.

MELANIA

My husband old, too. So old, butt crack sealed.

The sound of the studio door opening then slams shut.

JERRY

Who is it I ask?

ROSEANNE

Your worst nightmare.

JERRY

My proctologist?

ROSEANNE

No, Jerry. It’s Roseanne Barr.

PALIN

And Sarah Palin.

JERRY

God save the Queen.

PALIN

(to the Queen)

I betcha you’re Queen Lizzy. Nice meetin ya, Your Honor.

QUEEN

Who is this ignoramus?

ROSEANNE

Don’t mind her. Sarah never met royalty and stuff.

QUEEN

Where are you from Sarah?

PALIN

Alaska. I was the Governor.

QUEEN

Governor? I didn’t think you were worldly.

PALIN

Did you know the capital of China is Chinatown?

ROSEANNE

No, stupid. It’s P.F. Chang’s.

TRUMP

My favorite place. I like Sum Yung Chick.

MELANIA

Husband sound reasonable. Time to take meds.

QUEEN

Mr. Duncan. This has certainly been an insight into American ingenuity.

JERRY

We have many gems. Next time bring an extra pair of Depends.

PALIN

What are Depends?

JERRY

Something I’m going to put over your head, so I can cover your mouth. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.