The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Momma Duncan

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his deceased mother Maggie Duncan, via heavenly hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

heavenly hologram
Interview via heavenly hologram.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? I doubt it. Live from heaven, my guest is my deceased mother Maggie Duncan, via heavenly hologram.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Hello my comical son. What else can I say? You’re not a doctor or lawyer.

JERRY

May I rest in peace. I’d like to enjoy being an orphan for once in my life.

MAGGIE

Oh. I’m not so bad. You exaggerate.

JERRY

Exaggerate?! In fifth grade, you poured a cup of Tide down my mouth when I brought home my report card. I should have reported you to the authorities.

MAGGIE

You didn’t have one grade above a D. Not one! Hey, I hired a private tutor.

JERRY

And did my grades improve?

MAGGIE

Not really. They were like a submarine, below C-level.

JERRY

I remember that old man. Wasn’t his name Bix?

MAGGIE

That’s the guy. Joe Bix.

JERRY

Bix was so hunchback that he looked up to tie his shoes.

MAGGIE

What did you expect, George Clooney? You’re so sarcastic.

JERRY

I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m sleeping.

MAGGIE

Jerry. I have exciting news.

JERRY

You’re abandoning me?

MAGGIE

Stop it. I’m your mother. Here’s the scoop. I’m dating.

JERRY

How much more trauma can a 40 year old man endure in a lifetime?

MAGGIE

My boyfriend is sitting next to me. And you know him.

JERRY

He must be nuts.

MAGGIE

Bingo! It’s Curly from The Three Stooges.

CURLY HOWARD

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. I’m a victim of soicumstance.

MAGGIE

(upset) What’s the big idea? I thought we were an item.

CURLY

Sorry, Toots.

JERRY

Welcome to the show, Curly.

CURLY

Enchanted.

JERRY

Enraptured.

CURLY

Embalmed.

JERRY

Is it true The Three Stooges made 190 shorts?

CURLY

We did. Had a contract with Columbia Pictures for decades.

MAGGIE

What a bunch of cheapskates. They never got a raise.

CURLY

(upset) Rrrowf! Rrrowf!

JERRY

Calm down, boy. I’ll give you a treat.

CURLY

Poifect.

JERRY

How did you two meet? I dare ask.

MAGGIE

Moe fixed us up. I got to know him when I was doing standup at Heaven’s Gate Comedy Club. He always said I was a pretty smart ignoramus.

CURLY

We hit it off. Hotchachachaa.

MAGGIE

Curly took me flying. It didn’t start off great. We both got new angel wings and crashed into each other.

CURLY

Yeah. I ended up in the hospital. It was a good thing though. The doctor discovered I had a vacancy of the cranium.

MAGGIE

The other day Curly and I were having coffee with Nobel Prize winner Albert Einstein. Crazy Albert went sideways when Curly said his hair was so nappy, he should cut it with a weed wacker.

JERRY

Speaking of Einstein. Do you know what kind of bagels can fly?

MAGGIE

Get out of here, you idiot.

JERRY

Seriously. Plain bagels.

CURLY

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

Check out my weekly series A Bit of Biden on Instagram @abitofbiden

(c) The Jerry Duncan Show

(c) Dean B. Kaner

 

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