I just got an email from a British website telling me they couldnāt ship me the porn Iād ordered because they were unable to verify my credit card information. My smut would be on its way, they assured me, the moment I got back to them with a valid credit card. A copy of the order was included. Someone using my email address had ordered a dozen DVDs about ābad busty girlsā to be shipped to āme.ā At an address in England.
The idea that someone out there is claiming to be me is unpleasant enough. But their claiming to be a porn-craving Roz Warren is extra creepy. Why couldnāt they be trying to purchase Masterpiece Theatre DVDs? Or gourmet cat food? What about making a generous donation to Planned Parenthood? I could almost get behind a crook who stole my identity in order to make the large charitable donations Iām too frugal to make myself.
But bad busty girls? Give me a break.
Years ago, my motherās wallet was stolen. Momās evil twin took her credit cards to the airport and proceeded to circle the globe, staying at lavish resort hotels and eating gourmet meals. Knowing she didnāt have to pay for any of it, my mother, a frugal suburban housewife, got a kick out of reading the monthly statements describing āherā fabulous new life of luxury world travel. Thatās the silver lining of identity theft — it reminds you thereās more than one way to live your life.
Did knowing that her Evil Twin was following her bliss inspire Mom to live it up a little herself? You bet it did! Thinking of her doppelganger sipping champagne on the Riviera made it a little easier for Mom to splurge on a new dress, or treat her pals to lunch. Sure, sheād have to pay the piper herself, but why let her Evil Twin have all the fun?
Thatās what makes Fake Roz so disappointing. No jet-setter wannabe, sheās just another porn-seeking perv. Thereās no way her choices are going to challenge me to expand my horizons.
At least, I certainly hope not.
Iāve replaced my credit card, put a fraud alert on my credit report and asked the porn site to cancel the busty gals. Iāve also mailed a copy of feminist scholar Andrea Dworkinās book āPornographyā to Fake Roz at that address in England. Sheāll eagerly open the package, expecting bad girls with big boobs. Instead sheāll get an angry woman with a big brain.
Suck on that, Evil Twin!
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