Sex, Lies and Identity Theft

,

I just got an email from a British website telling me they couldn’t ship me the porn I’d ordered because they were unable to verify my credit card information. My smut would be on its way, they assured me, the moment I got back to them with a valid credit card. A copy of the order was included. Someone using my email address had ordered a dozen DVDs about “bad busty girls” to be shipped to “me.” At an address in England.

The idea that someone out there is claiming to be me is unpleasant enough. But their claiming to be a porn-craving Roz Warren is extra creepy. Why couldn’t they be trying to purchase Masterpiece Theatre DVDs? Or gourmet cat food? What about making a generous donation to Planned Parenthood? I could almost get behind a crook who stole my identity in order to make the large charitable donations I’m too frugal to make myself.

But bad busty girls? Give me a break.

Years ago, my mother’s wallet was stolen. Mom’s evil twin took her credit cards to the airport and proceeded to circle the globe, staying at lavish resort hotels and eating gourmet meals. Knowing she didn’t have to pay for any of it, my mother, a frugal suburban housewife, got a kick out of reading the monthly statements describing “her” fabulous new life of luxury world travel. That’s the silver lining of identity theft — it reminds you there’s more than one way to live your life.

Did knowing that her Evil Twin was following her bliss inspire Mom to live it up a little herself? You bet it did! Thinking of her doppelganger sipping champagne on the Riviera made it a little easier for Mom to splurge on a new dress, or treat her pals to lunch. Sure, she’d have to pay the piper herself, but why let her Evil Twin have all the fun?

That’s what makes Fake Roz so disappointing. No jet-setter wannabe, she’s just another porn-seeking perv. There’s no way her choices are going to challenge me to expand my horizons.

At least, I certainly hope not.

I’ve replaced my credit card, put a fraud alert on my credit report and asked the porn site to cancel the busty gals. I’ve also mailed a copy of feminist scholar Andrea Dworkin’s book “Pornography“ to Fake Roz at that address in England. She’ll eagerly open the package, expecting bad girls with big boobs. Instead she’ll get an angry woman with a big brain.

Suck on that, Evil Twin!

Latest posts by Roz Warren (see all)
Share

While we have you…

… we have a small favor to ask. More and more people are reading the Humor Times, but advertising revenues for internet sites everywhere keep falling. And unlike so many other websites, we have not put up a paywall -- we want to keep this much-loved (and much-needed!) political humor free, if possible!

So you can see why we need to ask for your help. The Humor Times' unique content takes a lot of time and effort to produce... but we do it because we believe uncompromising political satire is more important than ever these days.

If everyone who reads and likes our website helps fund it, we can continue to help people laugh at the news, rather than cry about it! For as little as $2, you can support the Humor Times – and it only takes a minute. Thank you!

(Note: While this link will take you to a PayPal page, you have the option of using your credit card without joining PayPal. All amounts in USD.)

Or, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter via our Patreon Page, contributing a certain amount each month. You can do it for as long or as short a time as you like. It's a huge help with our monthly budget!

And/or, subscribe to the monthly Humor Times magazine! Subscriptions make great gifts!

Share