Mr. Sandman, Bring Me a Remee Dream Director’s Chair

You’re dreaming if you think I’m going to rush out and purchase a Remee (“the world’s first comfortable, affordable lucid dreaming mask”).

The Remee (the brainchild of Brooklyn-based inventors Duncan Frazier and Steve McGuigan) is equipped with six red LED lights that are programmed to flash during the deepest part of your REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Theoretically, you’ll see the lights, realize that you ARE dreaming and take control of your dream.

(I hear that Frazier and McGuigan are also working on a device that will help you realize that your mischievous brother is dipping your hand in a bowl of water, so you can take control of a handy baseball bat before he makes you wet the bed.)

Remee is promoted with the “Wouldn’t it be neat if…?” mentality. My own fantasy is “Wouldn’t it be neat if the emergency rooms, welfare lines and substance abuse meetings weren’t full of people who asked, ‘Wouldn’t it be neat if…’?”

Yes, I know some people would reserve the Remee for practical applications, such as overcoming phobias. But maybe we NEED our nightmares to prevent cockiness. In MY recurring nightmare, I’m driving down the road when I unexpectedly become super drowsy and start weaving all over. I use that fear to make me more conscientious. A Remee might disastrously embolden me to tell the insurance company, “Stuff your premium notice! If I have trouble, Morgan Fairchild will fly down and carry me to safety!”

As I understand it, even the Remee wouldn’t necessarily let you conjure up Playboy Mansion sexcapades out of thin air; you would most likely be fine-tuning the situations your subconscious gives you. So if your dreams are as boring as your life…(“Ha! Thanks to Remee, I FINALLY got Fluffy to stay on the top bunk and Tiger to stay on the bottom bunk! Wow! I hope I don’t have a heart attack in my sleep!”)

Widespread use of the Remee might contribute to a further dumbing down of society. We don’t need hordes of job applicants boasting to interviewers, “Among my qualifications, I know to put a pair of pants on if I find myself in my Fruit of the Looms while giving a speech — assuming I have some high-tech assistance.”

Don’t give in to the Dark Side. We spend all day complaining about micromanagement, control freaks and guilt trips — so only a real HYPOCRITE would come home, hit the sack and spend his “down time” badgering monkeys on roller skates into reciting “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.”

Why must we take all the mystery and surprise out of life? Can’t we just mellow out and go with the flow? The people who feel deprived without a Remee will doubtless next do something about feelings of helplessness around dentists. (“Go ahead and administer the anesthetic, Doc. I’ll just remind you that my associates, Bruno and Vinnie, are standing over your shoulder in case there’s any funny business. Capeesh?”)

Could it be that we’ve misplaced our priorities? Maybe instead of worrying about lucid dreams, more of us need lucid WAKING HOURS. (“But…but…the letter was on official-lookin’ stationery, informing me that we have no proof that the president WASN’T born on the hidden moon of Venus…”)

Danny Tyree
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