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Argus Has Fun with the News: The Prez & More

Jul 122012
 
 By , July 12, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: The Prez & More

A wry review of the news by comedian Argus Hamilton

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel urged Chicago street gangs to stop the recent flood of shootings Monday. They’re headed for a new record. There are so many murders in Chicago that it’s become the one city where Social Security is projected to run a surplus.

The Weather Channel reported the nation’s heat wave arrived in Southern California Tuesday as Palm Springs hit one hundred and twenty degrees. Conditions were awful. It was so hot the Betty Ford Center gave the patients the day off and served frozen daiquiris.

John Travolta’s role in Primary Colors was voted the best portrayal of a presidential candidate. It took time. Now that Travolta’s been accused three times of gay sexual assault, people are even more impressed that his portrayal of Bill Clinton was so believable.

The Episcopal Church was sued by a New York parishoner who claims his new priest Ginger Strickland seduced him. It’s bad. Ever since it was reported that she urged him to heed Martin Luther’s advice to sin boldly, the attendance at Lutheran churches has tripled.

Tom Cruise reached a divorce settlement with Katie Holmes Monday. He offered her a ton of money and their daughter to go away and never reveal his private behavior to reporters. Tom jumped up and down on his attorney’s couch when she agreed to stay quiet.

Spain kicked off its bullfighting season with the Running of the Bulls Monday. Young men run through streets in front of charging bulls for the thrill of outrunning death. Americans get the same thrill running just ahead of the bankers at the first of every month.

President Obama proposed extending the Bush tax cuts for incomes up to a quarter million a year. It’s just above the level of a two-income federal employee couple. The federal government’s so bloated that if it were a dirigible over New Jersey you’d run for your knife.

House leaders from both parties met Tuesday to discuss the GOP proposal to repeal ObamaCare. Both sides called the meetings frank and constructive. By frank, they mean they threw things, and by constructive they mean they glued the vases back together.

Attorney General Eric Holder vowed to fight the Texas law requiring voters to have a photo ID. It’s slightly problematic. Thanks to Google Earth there’s a photo of everyone who sneaks into the country but they can only be recognized from the tops of their heads.

President Obama skipped speaking to the NAACP convention in Houston on Tuesday to campaign in Iowa. Black voter enthusiasm is down. Obama is so worried that black voters will stay home on Election Day that he may pressure banks to resume foreclosures.

Mitt Romney spoke to the NAACP’s convention Wednesday even though last election black voters went ninety-six percent for Obama. Talk about cynical. Just by showing up at this convention Mitt Romney’s staging a shameless bid for the Alamo Re-Enactor vote.

Hillary Clinton got Russia to halt a shipment of fighter planes to Syria Monday. She’d spent Sunday in Afghanistan granting them U.S.-ally status and re-opening supply routes from Pakistan. It’s just batting practice for her big task, negotiating a cease-fire in Chicago.

London security forces installed surface-to-air missiles on the roofs of low-income housing projects for the Olympics. It’s to shoot down hijacked planes trying to fly into the stadium. The Olympic TV ratings should be huge when the world’s best athletes run ten miles, swim five miles, climb a rope to the top of a building and thwart a terrorist attack.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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