[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Next thing you know, some fool will make a crummy movie rubbing this Death Valley thing in Libya’s face,’ says prez
Determined to make peace among nations, President Obama has declared a “tie” between California’s Death Valley and Aziza, Libya, as the hottest place in the world.
The Associated Press recently reported that an “international team of weather experts has named California’s Death Valley the world’s hottest place.” The World Meteorological Organization found that an “inexperienced weather observer” incorrectly recorded a high of 136.4 degrees in Aziza, Libya, in 1922, but the “new official highest recorded surface temperature” is actually 136 degrees in Death Valley in 1913.
“The friendships we have between Death Valley and Aziza, earned through the mutual sweat and tears of … well, actually just a lot of sweat, will not waver over a small difference in degrees,” Obama said. “Let’s just say both places are hotter than Michelle’s approval ratings.”
A presidential cultural exchange program will be put in place for the hot sister cities, in which guns will be set aside and poorly acted videos making fun of Californians or religious figures will be immediately destroyed.
“This is the only way in which we are going to settle our differences in this heated climate,” Obama said.
Gov. Mitt Romney immediately responded to Obama’s remarks by saying, “We need to stop apologizing for how much hotter our city is than their city. If we’re hotter, we’re hotter. End of story.”
Clint Eastwood immediately flew to Death Valley to be filmed talking to a cactus.
“You’re an ecological plant,” he said to the cactus, “You wouldn’t even want to live anywhere else besides California, would you? I was born in California, you know.”
Then he asked the cactus, “Could someone turn up the air conditioning? It’s hot on this set.”
When nothing happened, he took out a gun and shot the cactus.
“Both cities have great weather recorders, and they’re both really, really hot,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at a press conference in Death Valley after Eastwood left to go hunting with Romney. “A free and stable climate is in America’s best interests, and we’re going to try and keep it that way.”
Wiping some sweat from her brow, she said, “And I may not be the hottest woman in the world, but I am the most powerful woman. Just check out these sunglasses.”
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