[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Wayne LaPierre, outspoken mouthpiece of the NRA, has been removed from his position of Vice-President, due to a large number of powerful members of the organization being opposed to his having “too Frenchy” a name.
John Howitzer, Montana rancher and Guiness Book of World Records holder of the record for most hunting guns possessed (legendarily he is said to have enough firepower to eliminate every creature in the state larger than a breadbox five times over), vocalized his opinion over the matter. “We can’t have no man set up as bein’ the symbol of the greatest organization for freedom in the world who has a frog name like ‘LaPierre.’ Why, it don’t even look American with the P bein’ capitalized in the middle of it. We can’t have nobody representing gun lovers of America with a name that sounds sissy. Doesn’t ‘La’ mean something feminine in frog speak? Translated doesn’t it mean that this guy is ‘the pear’ or somethin’? Huh? Doesn’t it?”
Mattlock Bullhead, chief hog inspector of the Montgomery packing house and weekend warrior who hunts muskrats with his three assault rifles (“There ain’t much left after hittin’ ’em with 30 high guage slugs, but it sure is fun!”) had his own take on it. “A French guy heading the NRA – NO WAY! We got to git a real man up there. Too bad John Wayne is worm meat. He’d know what to do. We got to git someone with a real American name, like Maximus Kneebuster or Iron Remington or like any of the names of the guys in the Pro Wrestling circuit. That would git everyone’s respect.”
Ignatius Bonesplinterer (“Hey, this guy’s name would work!” said Bullhead), professional bull wrestler from Abilene Texas and proud owner of three elephant guns that he uses for target practice on people driving Volkswagens, had another outlook on the situation. “This guy looks like a professional nerd! You would think he was a college professor from some milksop university in Vermont! He looks like he’d be better at quoting Gandhi than at furthering disinformation about gun policies and statistics. I say put him back in an office somewhere and get a real man out here. I suggest The Rock, even if he isn’t white.”
Even Chuck Norris, a staunch supporter of everything macho including guns said, “Jeez, that is a girly name!”
BREAKING NEWS: Emerging from a closed door debate on the problem, top NRA officials announced that they had replaced LaPierre with Elmer Fudd. Fudd’s first comments on the move were “Th-th-th-th-at’s all folks!”
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