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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Science: Distilling the Ultimate Modern Humor Article

Apr 112013
 By , April 11, 2013

Researchers want to know: How can writers deliver the humor readers crave in a dumbed-down world?

Researchers at various humor think tanks and humor websites have been exhaustingly searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times. With the increased dumbing down of the intellect imposed on the public by our schools, magazines and entertainment industry and the decreased attention span that comes with it, it has become increasingly difficult for the humor providers of this nation to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them.

fall asleep reading humorThis debility has lead to much clinical testing and research on the part of comic franchises that depend on humor as the drug of choice to provide to their legions of fans. It is quite annoying when the patronage falls asleep before getting to the second paragraph or answers their incoming text message never to return to the very funny article they were reading about how the neighbors dog chewed all the fur off the writer’s cat or how aliens abducted a man’s typical suburban housewife and returned her as sexy as Sophia Loren in her hey-day.

Scientists hired to do research work in this field have spent many unfunny days doing studies on whatever green college freshman needed the three bucks offered to take part in the experiments. Giving each experimentee several articles to read, which varied in length and difficulty of language, the laugh scientists then gauged the reaction time, the level of laughter induced and the nodding off point of each article. A vast gamut of reactions was recording ranging from falling off the chair laughing to falling off the chair in zombie-like boredom. Of course, some of the interviews led to the possibility of sexual intrigue with the interviewee, much of which ended up being as humorous as the intended subject matter.

After months of arduous work on the matter, the intrepid researchers have winnowed the humor article down to an absolutely basic element from which all humor articles can be built. This would be the penultimate article; the minimalist atomical particle possible. Now, with all research analyzed, double-checked and consolidated with other humor study fields throughout the world, it can be revealed to the public.

This is the most basic humor article possible:


From this building block can all future humor articles find their foundation and build upon.

With that, the scientific teams were satisfied and moved on to other more serious subjects, like trying to identify if rats could discern the different flavors of cheese on a four cheese pizza or if grey whales can hit a low bass B flat when singing.

Thank you for reading this article and please wake up anyone reading it with you.

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Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.

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  • Roger Freed

    You all can stop reading now.
    This was the Ultimate Humor Article.
    No need to read any further.
    Just turn off your computers and go do all those other things you have been procrastinating on for so long.
    Go on now! Git!