[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Selfish selfies just for themselves
In turbulent times, a nation must look to those things that hold steady, remain true. Like the sailor’s northern star or the farmer’s spring rain or the DPRK’s Kim Jong Un, the American people–and its government–must find their constant.
But, if that doesn’t work, there’s always Twitter.
Like unemployment, the social phenomenon known as ‘selfies’–a candid picture of yourself sent across the virtual universe–is on the rise even in government circles.
“Hey! Reid just ‘liked’ my pic!” beamed the Vice President. “That old fart. I didn’t think he liked anything. You know, it’s amazing how quickly they’re responding to my posts–oh yeah, that’s right, the shutdown thing. Nevermind.”
Social psychologists are noticing a correlation between government ineffectiveness and the rise in self-portraits.
“For many of these congressional leaders,” one psychologist offered, “It’s a real self-esteem boost. It’s also a way for them to keep their minds off of distracting things like reality.”
Statistical tracking sites are recording a dramatic spike in social networking activity in the D.C. area and hosting websites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are noting the highest numbers in ‘selfies’ since the Anthony Weiner era.
“Right now,” a spokesperson for Facebook confirmed, “Eric Cantor and Nancy Pelosi are gaining on Biden for the number one ‘selfie’ spot. Although, we do have one IP address that has definitely sent the most but it’s mostly extreme close-up eye shots. We’re not sure, but it’s either Steny Hoyer or someone who has hacked his account.”
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