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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

AP: Dramatic Rise in Domestic Wine Sales Linked to Newly Diagnosed “Suburban Housefrau Syndrome”

Mar 052014

Viral outbreak of “Suburban Housefrau Syndrome” (SHS) rampant.

By Julie Mains

A dramatic spike in wine sales in the suburbs of thriving major metropolitan cities around the United States has prompted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to investigate the potential of a viral outbreak they are now calling “SHS” or “Suburban Housefrau Syndrome.”

Suburban Housefrau Syndrome“At first, we thought it was just plain, old alcoholism, but then the evidence suggested there was more to it,” said a representative from the CDC who wished to remain anonymous.

The symptoms of SHS include a feeling of emptiness and disappointment, delusions of “gifted children,” “losing time” at Nordstrom Rack, smelling like their local Starbucks, Lululemon pants, bouts of hysterical crying in the shower, hot yoga, pathological Facebooking, PTA, and uncontrolled visions of their husband quietly dying in his sleep.

“The symptoms seem so odd at first,” said the CDC representative. “But the data is in and it’s overwhelming,” adding, “please, no names. I don’t need them finding me on Facebook.”

At a Starbucks near Seattle, WA, the women suffering from SHS were abundant and eager to talk.

“I was freezing and drenched at my son’s soccer game but I had three thermoses filled with wine in my bag,” said Cori Navins, of Edmonds, WA. “I knew something was wrong. But my wine makes the feelings go away.”

When asked about how SHS was impacting her life, she sipped from a pink thermos that was tucked carefully in the back of her purse and said, “I have a nice house, a trip to Kauai every spring and the wine makes sex with my husband tolerable. Wait, what did you ask me?”

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