[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Casually reading books can lead to habitual reading, study warns.
A new report was released by the Television Scientists of America last week. It shows the overlooked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons).
According to the study, television is the primary instrument which enables us to process visual detail (or in layman’s terms, “see”). It goes on to state that if one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system on a consistent basis, the end result is blindness. Therefore, according to science, if you don’t watch TV you’ll go blind.
Their research further showed that those reading books were prone to excessively large frontal lobes (accounting for their excessively large douchieness) and, as a result, had underdeveloped parietal lobes.
Even more alarming are the indicators that, well, indicate that the more one is exposed to books the more one actually wants to read. The study suggests that even casual reading can lead to habitual reading, which in turn can lead to what they have termed, “Reading Addiction” which has been known to cause socially awkward situations and even outright social rejection.
“We are not just concerned for the individual here,” one scientist reported. “But really society as a whole. If enough people get it into their heads to read, and they begin to use their newly found vocabulary and ideas, social conversation won’t be the only thing that’s affected–we’re talking about the eventual breakdown of pop culture as we know it.”
As a result of their rigorous research, TSA strongly recommends reading in small doses and only when necessary so as to avoid imagination burnout (TV subtitles are considered appropriate). Furthermore, it also recommends regular and hearty TV viewing as a substitute to avoid the dangers of social rejection, douchbaggery, and blindness.
*FYI, according to their Official Reading Rubric, this article accounts for one week’s worth of reading.
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