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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

10 Step Guide: How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

Jul 182014
 By , July 18, 2014

Keeping and impressing your friends on Facebook is a real art: Here’s how to do it.

1. Send gaming invites every day.  This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends.  Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care.

facebook friends2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour.

3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow and cat posters. “Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it.”

4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow and cat posters.

6. Use your update status as your own personal diary — no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out.

7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period — you know, when they’re not funny anymore.  Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the curve.

8. Instead of “liking” things, always write the word “like” in the comment box, even when people post things like “My grandma died” or “I had the worst day of my life.” Don’t worry, people will understand because it’s your thing.

9. Tag all 500 of your friends in every post just in case they missed your update in the news feed.

10. Every few days, unfriend someone and then immediately ask them to be friends again. Do this a few times to see if they’re really your friend or not.

Ed Note: The most surefire way to impress your friends? Share this post on Facebook!

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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